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暮光之城：午夜阳光|Midnight Sun

第10章|Chapter 8 Ghost

属类： 双语小说 【分类】魔幻小说 -[作者: 斯蒂芬妮-梅耶] 阅读：[36024]
《暮光之城》是美国作家斯蒂芬妮·梅尔 （Stephenie Meyer）写的系列小说，包括《暮色》、《新月》、《月食》、《破晓》以及番外《布里·坦纳第二次短暂生命》、《暮色重生》和《午夜阳光》。《暮光之城》系列以伊莎贝拉·斯旺和爱德华·卡伦一对苦命鸳鸯的情感纠葛为主线，融合了吸血鬼传说、狼人故事、校园生活、恐怖悬念、喜剧冒险等各种元素，而凄美动人的爱情则是全书“最强烈的情绪”。
《 字+字- 行+行- 页+页- 字+字- 行+行- 页+页- 》
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我是一个吸血鬼，而她的血是我这八十年来闻到过的最甜美的。

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我从未想过会有这种香气存在。如果我知道的话，我会在很久以前就开始寻找她。我会为她搜遍整个地球。我能想像它的味道……干渴自我的喉咙升起，就像一团火。我的嘴巴快被烤焦了。我的胃因干渴而变得异常饥饿。

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我的肌肉鼓起。

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一秒钟还没有过去，她还是踩着同样的步伐顺着风向朝我走来。

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当她走过来时，她的眼睛瞟向我，悄悄地看了我一眼。她接触到我的视线，她那双大眼睛如明镜一般映射出我的样子。

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这张脸使我震惊，也让她多活了一些时候。

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她没有让事态缓和。当她看到我脸上的表情时，血色再一次涌上她的脸颊，使她的肌肤转变为一种最可口的颜色。她的香气像浓雾一样笼罩着我的大脑。我几乎无法思考。我的大脑在狂怒，在反抗理智的约束，我已经晕头转向了。

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她现在走得更快了一点，好像意识到需要躲避什么似的，她的匆忙让她变得笨手笨脚的——她被什么东西绊倒了，几乎撞到坐在我前面的女孩身上。容易受伤，脆弱，对人类来说再普通不过了。

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我竭力将注意力集中在她眼中那张脸孔上，那张令我强烈反感的脸孔。那张我体内的魔鬼的脸孔——我用几十年的努力和坚定的锻炼来将它击垮。现在竟然那么容易就浮出水面！

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那股香气再度包围着我。它分散了我的想法，几乎将我推出座位。

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我的手紧紧地抓住桌子边缘，竭力想把自己稳在座位上。木头没有起到什么作用。我的手已经揉进支柱里，带出满满一捧碎木屑，剩下的木头留下了我手指的形状。

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消灭证据。这是一个最基本的法则。我迅速将留下我手指形状的木头弄碎，让它仅留下一个凹凸不平的小洞，让木屑洒在地板上，用脚踩碎。

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消灭证据。间接杀害……我知道接下来将发生什么。那女孩会过来坐到我身旁，而我将杀死她。

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而教室里那些无辜的人，十八个孩子和一个男人，当他们看到即将发生的这一切时，将不能活着离开这里。

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一想到我即将要做的事情，我畏缩了。即使在最恶劣的情况下，我也从来没有允许过这样的暴行。在过去八十年里，我从来没有杀过一个无辜的人。而我现在正计划着要一下子屠杀二十个。

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镜中魔鬼的脸孔在嘲弄我。

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我体内的一部分颤抖着远离那个魔鬼，然而另一部分却在冷静地谋划着。

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如果我先把这女孩干掉，我只有十五到二十秒钟的时间这么做，直到这房间里的人反应过来。

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或者时间能更长一点，如果一开始他们没有意识到我在干什么的话。她应该没有时间尖叫或感到痛苦，我不会残忍地杀死她。看在她那令人发疯的血的份上，我能施舍给这个陌生女孩的慈悲就只有这么多了。

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然后我必须阻止他们逃跑。我用不着担心那些窗户，它们太高太小了，他们无法从那里逃脱。

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只有那扇门——堵住它，就能把他们都困住。

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当他们开始因恐慌而尖叫，四散逃亡时，要把他们全部干掉会变得缓慢、困难。虽然不太可能，不过还是会有响声。这么多尖叫声，一定会被听见的……那么我将不得不杀死更多无辜的人。

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当我在谋杀其他人的时候，她的血早就变冷了。

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那么就先从目击者开始。

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我在脑子里筹划着。我坐在教室的正中间，后面最远的一行。我可以先从我的左边开始。我估计，我可以在一秒钟内拧断四到五个人的脖子。那不会很吵。左边的人是幸运的，他们不会看到我接近。再前后移动，来到右边，这最多花费我五秒钟的时间就能结束这房间里的所有生命。

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这么长的时间，足以令贝拉?斯旺明白，即将发生在她身上的事。足以令她感到恐惧。让她吓得僵在座位上，叫不出声来。一个微弱的尖叫不足以让她逃跑。

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我深深地吸了口气。香味就像一团火焰迅速掠过我干渴的身体，从我胸膛焚烧，销毁一切我凭冲动想到的念头。

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她这会儿正在拐弯处，在几秒钟内，她将紧挨着我坐下。

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我脑子里的魔鬼正满怀期待地冲我微笑。

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我右边的某个人砰地合上文件夹。我没有去看是哪一个在劫难逃的人。但是这个举动带来一阵风，一股普通的，不带香气的气流，吹过我的脸。

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在这极其短暂的一秒钟内，我能够思考了。在这弥足珍贵的一秒钟里，我看到在我脑海中并排出现的两张脸。

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一张是我的脸孔，确切地说是过去那个我的：一个曾经杀人无数的红眼睛的魔鬼。为杀人寻找正当理由。一个杀害凶手的杀人魔，一个杀害其他那些更弱一点的魔鬼的魔鬼。这是上帝的旨意，我这样欺骗自己——决定谁应该接受死亡判决。这是一种自我妥协。我以吸食人类的鲜血为生，我的受害者们，就他们各种各样的邪恶过往来看，并不比我更像一个人。

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另一张是卡莱尔的脸。

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这两张脸毫无相似之处。恍若白天和黑夜。

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它们也没有理由相似。从血缘上说，卡莱尔并不是我的生父。我们长得一点儿也不像。我们相似的肤色仅仅因为我们是同类，每个吸血鬼都有着冰冷而苍白的皮肤。我们相同颜色的眼睛是另外一个结果——一个共同的选择的映射。

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尽管我们并没有相似的基础，我曾想像自己的脸庞在某种程度上映射出他的脸，在过去的七十余年里，我一直信奉他的选择，紧随他的脚步。我的相貌并没有改变，不过我似乎有那么一点点像他了，他的智慧似乎有那么一丁点儿呈现在我的表情上，他的怜悯之心能在我的嘴角发现，他的坚忍清晰地镌刻在我的眉宇之间。

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在这张魔鬼的脸孔面前，所有细微的改善都丢失殆尽。就在短短的一瞬间，这一切都将消失殆尽，我在过去几十年里同我的创造者，我的良师，我的父亲所做的一切努力，都将付之东流。我的眼睛会变得血红，就像一个恶魔，所有的相似之处将永远丢失。

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在我的脑子里，卡莱尔善良的眼睛并没有审判我。我知道他会原谅我，即使在我做下这种可怕的事后。因为他爱我。因为他认为我会比原来更好。他会仍然爱我的，即使我证明他的看法是错的。

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贝拉?斯旺在我旁边坐下，她的动作僵硬而笨拙——她在害怕吗？——她血液里散发出来的香气像不可阻挡的云一样笼罩着我。

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我将证明父亲对我的看法是错误的，这一事实所带来的痛苦，几乎和我喉咙里燃烧的火焰一样强烈。

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我带着强烈的反感远离她——反抗体内渴求着她的魔鬼。

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为什么她要到这儿来？为什么她要存在？为什么她要毁掉我人生中仅有的一点点的平和？为什么这样的人会被生下来？她会毁了我。

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我转过脸去背对她，一股突如其来的，强烈的，非理性的憎恨袭遍我全身。

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为什么是我，为什么是现在？为什么我不得不失去所有的一切，仅仅是因为她恰好选择出现在这个不幸的小镇上？

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为什么她要到这儿来？

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我不想成为魔鬼！我不想杀掉这房间里所有手无寸铁的孩子！我不想失去我用牺牲和否定换来的一切。

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我不能这么做。她不能让我这么做。

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那股香气是一道难题，她血液所散发的香气，诱人到令人恐惧。如果这里有什么办法抵挡……如果能再刮来一阵巨风，让新鲜空气使我脑子清醒过来。

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贝拉?斯旺把她那头长长的，浓密的，红褐色的头发朝我那边晃了晃。

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她疯了吗？她这么做简直就像是在鼓动那个魔鬼！在嘲弄他！

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这会儿并没有什么好心肠的风帮我将那股香气吹散。很快一切即将失控。

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不，这里没有风帮忙。不过我可以停止呼吸。

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我阻止空气流进我的肺部，痛苦暂时得到了缓解，不过还不完全。我的脑子里还留有她香气的记忆，我的舌根还残留着那股味道。我坚持不了多久。不过也许可以坚持一小时。一小时，这段时间足以让这些受害者全部离开房间，那么也许他们就用不着死。如果我能坚持短短的一个小时。

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不呼吸，会让人感到不舒服。我的身体不需要氧气，但这么做违背了我的本能。在我感觉到压力时，我依赖嗅觉更甚于我的其他感官。我在捕猎的时候就是这么做的，万一遇到危险，嗅觉能最先向我提出警告。我很少遇到像我一样危险的生物，不过我们族类的自我保护本能就像一般人类那样强大。

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不舒服，但还能办得到。我可以忍住不去呼吸她的香气，不让我的毒牙穿过那纤细、单薄、半透明的肌肤，咬进那炽热的、潮湿的、脉动的——一个小时，仅仅是一个小时，我不能去想她的香气，她的味道……这个安静的女孩把她的头发垂落在我们中间，她的身子向前倾，这样她披散开来的头发就垂落到了文件夹上。我看不见她的脸，无法从她清澈、深邃的眼睛里读出她的情绪。她为什么 要用这种方式隔开我们？为了阻挡我的目光吗？是害怕？是害羞？还是想对我隐藏她的秘密？

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相比之下，她沉默的思想带给我的恼怒已经变得微乎其微了——憎恨——现在正蔓延我的全身。因为我恨这个坐在我身旁的小女孩，我强烈地憎恨着她，带着那个对从前的我，对我家人的爱，带着我希望能够变得更好的梦想。憎恨她，恨她带给我的一切——这多少有点帮助。

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我之前的恼怒已经变得微弱了，不过，也有一点帮助。我紧抓住任何能够制止我的感情，阻止我去想像她品尝起来会是怎样的滋味……憎恨，恼怒，焦躁。这一个小时是不是永远都不会过去了？

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当这一小时过去后，她将走出课室，我该怎么做？

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我可以介绍我自己。（你好，我叫爱德华?卡伦，我可以送你去上下一节课吗？）出于礼貌，她将会答应。尽管我猜我已经吓到她了，不过出于一般礼节，她还是会跟我走的。

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把她带到一个错误的方向是很容易办到的。停车场的后面就是一片郁郁葱葱的森林。我可以告诉她我把一本书忘在车里了……有人会留意到我是最后一个跟她在一起的人吗？像往常一样，现在正下着雨，两道走向错误方向的穿黑色雨衣的身影并不会引起人们的注意，但或者我会被告发。

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我并不是今天唯一一个留意她的学生——虽然没有人像我这样狂热地在意。特别是麦克?牛顿，当她在座位上坐立不安时，他正密切留意着她的一举一动——和我在一起让她感到不舒服，就像其他人一样，就像我本来预期的那样，直到她的香气将我所有的仁慈摧毁。如果我和她一起离开课室，麦克?牛顿会留意到的。

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如果我能够经受住一个小时，那么两个小时呢？

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那烧灼全身的痛苦让我畏缩。

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她将回到那个空无一人的家。斯旺警长会工作一整天。我知道他的房子在哪儿，我知道这个小镇上每一户人家。他的房子紧挨着一片茂密的树林，周围没有邻居。即使她有时间发出尖叫，也没有人会听见。

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这是一种最负责任的做法。我已经七十年没有吸过人类的血了。如果我停止呼吸，我可以坚持两个小时。而一旦我和她单独相处，有人一定会受伤害。而且没有理由让这种体验匆匆结束，我脑子里的魔鬼也表示同意。

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用努力和忍耐来挽救这房间里的十九条人命的想法只是一种诡辩，如果我只是杀掉这个无辜的女孩，我也许可以不那么像一个魔鬼。

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尽管我恨她，可我知道我的仇恨是不公正的。我知道我真正恨的人是我自己。而她死后，这种对我们俩的憎恨会更甚。

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我用这种办法熬过这个小时——想像怎么杀她才是最好的。我竭力避免想像真实的行动。这也许已经超过了我的能力所及，我也许将输掉这场战争，最终杀掉视线里的每一个人。所以我计划策略，除此之外，再没有什么可做了。这帮我熬过了那一个小时。

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曾经有一次，就在这一小时快要结束的时候，她透过她那瀑布般的长发，偷偷看了我一眼。

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当我接触到她的目光时，我能感觉到那股不公正的憎恨焚烧我的身体——看到她那受惊的眼睛里的映像。在她把脸躲进头发后面时，她的脸颊升起了两团粉红的血色，我快要崩溃了。

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然而下课铃响了。铃声救了我们——多么及时！我们都获救了。她，从死亡中获救，我也获救了，在短时间内，我不必成为我所恐惧和憎恨的恶梦般的生物。

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我冲出课室，我没办法像正常人一样走出去，如果这时碰巧有谁看见我，他们也许会对我异乎寻常的移动方式起疑心。没有人留意我。所有人的思想还在绕着那个女孩，那个在过去一小时里几乎被处死的女孩转。

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我躲进我的车里。

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我不喜欢躲进车里这个想法。这听起来多么怯懦！然而现在的情况正是如此。

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我现在还不能待在人群中。我必须集中全部的努力去避免杀害他们中的那一个，这让我再没有精力去顾及其他人了。那样做有多么浪费啊。如果我打算向魔鬼投降的话，至少我也应该让自己输得值得。

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我播放了一张CD，这通常都能让我平静下来，不过现在没什么用。不，我现在最需要的是从车窗外随着细雨飘进来的凉快、潮湿、纯净的空气。尽管我还是能够准确无误地记住贝拉?

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斯旺血液的香气，吸入新鲜空气就好像洗刷着我的身体一样，让我能够逃离那香气的影响。

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我的理智恢复正常了。我又能思考了。如果我能再度战斗，我将和我不想成为的东西战斗。

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我不一定要到她家去。我不一定要杀死她。显然，我是一个有理性、有思想的生物，我可以选择。我们总是可以选择的。

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在课室里我不是这么想的……不过现在我离开了她。或许，如果我能非常非常小心地躲开她，我的生活就不需要被改变。我现在喜欢上我之前井然有序的生活了。为什么我要让某个恼人的、美味的小人物毁了它呢？

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我不一定要让我的父亲失望。我不一定要让我的母亲紧张、担心、痛苦……是的，这也会伤害我的养母。爱斯梅是那么的温柔、脆弱、善良。让爱斯梅痛苦是不可原谅的。

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这是多么荒谬啊，我还想保护这个人类女孩远离杰西卡?史丹利的卑鄙想法。我是最有资格保护伊莎贝拉?斯旺的最后一人。她最需要得到的就是我的保护。

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我突然想知道爱丽丝在哪里。她是否预见过我可能会在大庭广众下杀死贝拉?斯旺？为什么她不来帮我——阻止我或者帮我毁尸灭迹？她是不是太过专注于贾斯帕，以致漏掉了这可能发生的更骇人的事？我是不是比我想象的要更坚强？我是不是不会真的对这女孩做什么？

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不，我想那不是真的。爱丽丝一定是太过专注于贾斯帕了。

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我知道她会在哪儿，我朝她那个方向搜寻，她在那座小楼里上英语课。我没花多少时间就找到了她熟悉的“声音”。我猜对了。她每一个念头都在围着贾斯帕转，检测他在每一分钟里所作的每一个选择。

85
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我希望能得到她的忠告，不过与此同时，我又为此感到高兴，她不知道我刚刚经历的事。她并不知道我在那一个小时里企图策划的一场大屠杀。

86
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一团新的火焰燃烧我的身体——一团羞愧的火焰。我不想他们中任何人知道这件事。

87
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如果我能避开贝拉?斯旺，如果我能够不杀死她——尽管我很想这么做，我体内的魔鬼正因受挫而痛苦扭曲，咬牙切齿——那么就没有人会知道此事。如果我能够远离她的香气。

88
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至少，我没有理由不这么做。作出一个更好的选择。努力成为卡莱尔所期待的那个我。

89
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在学校的最后一个小时快要过去了。我决定将我的计划马上付诸行动。总比呆在停车场好，她可能会经过我身旁，毁掉我的努力。我再次感觉到自己对那女孩的不公正的憎恨。

90
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我走得很快——也许太快了一点，不过这里没人看见——我穿过校园来到办公室。贝拉?斯旺没有理由会在这里和我不期而遇。她应该躲开我，就像躲避瘟疫一样。

91
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办公室里除了秘书外没有别人，我要找的正是她。

92
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她没有留意到我悄悄走进来。

93
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“柯普太太？”

94
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这妇女有一头不自然的红发，她抬起头，睁大了眼睛。一些他们无法了解的细微迹象总是令他们措手不及，不管他们之前从我们那见过多少次……“噢，”她喘了口气，有点慌乱。她抚平她的衬衫。（别傻了，）她在心里自言自语，（他小得够当我儿子了，太小了，实在不该那样想，）“你好，爱德华。有什么事吗？”她的睫毛在厚厚的镜片后紧张地巴眨着。

95
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这令我不自在。不过我知道怎样可以让我变得更有魅力，当我需要它的时候。这很容易，因为我的本能会告诉我怎样的语气和姿势能起作用。

96
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我把身子向前挨过去，和她目光相遇，就好像我正深深地凝视着她那双细小的褐色眼睛。她已经有点心烦意乱了。这太简单了。

97
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“我想知道您是不是可以帮忙看一下我的课程表。”我用一种轻柔的不会惊吓住人们的语气说道。

98
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我听到她正心跳加速。

99
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“当然可以，爱德华。我能帮上什么忙吗？”（太小了，太小了，）她在心里反复念叨，错了，这是当然的。我比她的祖父还老。不过从我的驾驶证来看，她说得没错。

100
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“我想知道我是不是可以把我的生物课调整为一个高年级的科目，比如说物理？”

101
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“班纳先生有什么问题吗，爱德华？”

102
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“不，只是这一科我已经学过了……”

103
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“你在阿拉斯加的学校已经提前学过了，噢，”她舔了舔薄嘴唇，考虑着。（他们都应该去读大学。我听到那些老师抱怨，完美的四分，哦，回答问题时从不犹豫，测验时从来不会给错答案——就好像他们用同样的方法在每一科都作弊似的。瓦纳先生宁愿相信所有人都作弊，也不愿相信有学生会比他聪明。我敢打赌他们的母亲一定为他们请了家教……）“爱德华，实际上，现在物理课差不多都满员了。班纳先生不喜欢一个班里超过二十五个学生——”

104
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“我不会惹麻烦的。”

105
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（当然不会，多么完美无暇的卡伦。）“我知道，爱德华，不过那里实在没有多余的位子了”

106
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“那么，我能不能当掉这科？我可以用其他科目的学分代替。”

107
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“当掉生物？”她张开嘴巴，（这太疯狂了，耐着性子上完你已经学过的科目有那么难吗？班纳先生一定是出了什么问题，我是不是该和鲍勃谈谈这件事？）“这会影响你毕业的。”

108
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“我明年可以补修。”

109
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“也许你该和你父母谈谈。”

110
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我身后的门被推开了，不过在那里的人没有想到我，所以我没有理会那个进来的人，把注意力集中在柯普太太身上。我把身子再往前倾一点，把我的眼睛张得更大一点。如果我的眼睛是金色而非黑色的话，效果会更好。黑色可能会让人们感到害怕。

111
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“求你了，柯普太太。”我尽量让自己的声音平稳，使它更容易被人接受——它应该会被接受。

112
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“还有什么科目是我可以选修的吗？我想一定还有其他空缺。六小时的生物课肯定不是唯一的选择”

113
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我冲她微笑，小心地不让我的牙齿露出来，那只会吓住她，我让我脸部表情变得更柔和。

114
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她的心跳得更快了。（太小了，）她不得不疯狂提醒自己，“好吧，也许我可以和鲍勃谈谈——我是说班纳先生，我可以看看是不是——”

115
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一秒钟，一切都变了：房间里的空气，我到这儿来的任务，我屈身倾向那个红发女人的理由……一秒钟的时间，莎曼纱?韦尔士推开门，将一张纸条放进门边的篮子里，又匆忙离开，急急忙忙走出学校。一秒钟的时间，一股猛烈的风突然从敞开的门外刮进来，吹向我。我花了一秒钟的时间才意识到为什么第一个从门外进来的人没有用他的思想打扰我。

116
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我转过身去，尽管我不需要这样确认。我缓缓地转过身去，极力想控制住反抗我的肌肉。

117
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贝拉?斯旺贴着墙壁站在门边，她手里拿着一张纸。当她接触到我凶残而冰冷的目光时，她的眼睛睁得比平时更大了。

118
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在这个温暖的小房间里，她血液的香气充满了每一个角落。我的喉咙快被火烧着了。

119
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她眼睛里映射出来的魔鬼正愤怒地盯我，带着一副邪恶的面具。

120
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我的手放在长柜台上，犹豫不决。我没有回头看，为的是不让自己伸出手臂，用大得足够杀死她的力气，将柯普太太的脑袋扣在桌子上。与其杀死二十个，倒不如杀死两个，这笔交易很公平。

121
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魔鬼焦躁而饥渴地等待着，等着我这么做……总是可以选择的——一定可以选择。

122
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我迅速切断呼吸，把卡莱尔的脸紧紧固定在我的眼前。我转身面对柯普太太，听到她心里正为我骤然改变的表现惊讶不已。她在我面前瑟缩了，不过她还没有清楚意识到自己的恐惧。

123
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我用尽了我在过去几十年里以自我牺牲换来的自控力，让自己的声音变得更平稳了。我的肺里还留有足够的空气，让我能把话说完，让我挤出这些词语。

124
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“没关系。我看得出这是不可能的了，谢谢你的帮忙。”

125
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我离开那间房子，努力不去感觉那女孩身体里温暖血液的热度。

126
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我不敢停下来，直到我上了车，我实在走得太快了。现在大部分人都已经回家了，所以这里没有什么人。我听到一个二年级学生DJ?加勒特留意到了我，我置之不理。

127
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（卡伦是怎么冒出来的——简直就像凭空出现一样……我又来了，又再胡思乱想了，妈妈总是说……）当我钻进我的沃尔沃时，其他人已经等在那里了。我试图控制我的呼吸，不过我为那新鲜空气感到震惊，就像自己快被闷死一样。

128
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“爱德华？”爱丽丝的声音有点恐慌。

129
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我只能对她摇摇头。

130
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“你怎么啦？”爱美特询问道，这会儿他正烦恼着呢，因为贾斯帕暂时还没有心情跟他再来一次比赛。

131
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我没有回话，将车子掉了个头。我必须在贝拉?斯旺尾随而来之前离开这个地方。我体内的魔鬼还在虎视眈眈，我猛地将车拐了个弯，然后加速。在我开上公路前我把车速加到了四十公里。车子上了公路，我在拐弯的时候把速度加到七十。

132
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不用看，我也知道爱美特、罗莎莉和贾斯帕都把头转向爱丽丝，看着她。她耸耸肩，她看不到已经发生的事情，只能看到即将发生的。

133
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她朝前看向我。我们都在加工她脑子里所见到的景象，我俩都为此感到吃惊。

134
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“你要离开了吗？”她低语。

135
-

其余的人现在正盯着我。

136
-

“我非走不可吗？”我从牙齿里发出嘘声。

137
-

她接着看下去，当我还在犹豫不决时，另一种选择将把我的未来引向一个更黑暗的方向。

138
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贝拉?斯旺，死了。我的眼睛被鲜血染得通红。紧接着将展开搜查。我们必须小心翼翼地等待，直到我们可以从这里安全脱身，再重新开始。

139
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“喔！”她再次说道。画面变得更加清晰了。我最先看见的是斯旺警长家的室内，看见贝拉正在一个有着黄色橱柜的小厨房里，她背对我，而我正从阴暗处偷偷靠近她……香气诱使我靠近她……“停下来！”我呻吟着，再也受不了了。

140
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“对不起。”她低语，张开了眼睛。

141
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魔鬼正欣喜若狂。

142
-

她脑子里的图像转变了。夜里一条空荡荡的高速公路上，我的车以接近两百公里的时速经过，两旁的树木被白雪覆盖着，闪烁着银色光芒。

143
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“我会想念你的，”她说，“就算你只是离开一小会儿。”

144
-

爱美特和罗莎莉彼此交换了一个会心的目光。

145
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我们快要到达通向我们家的那条长路的拐弯处了。

146
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“在这儿把我们放下吧。”爱丽丝命令我，“你该亲自告诉卡莱尔。”

147
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我点点头，车子发出尖锐的叫声，猛地停住了。

148
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爱美特、罗莎莉和贾斯帕安静地下了车，我走了以后他们会让爱丽丝解释清楚的。爱丽丝拍了拍我的肩膀。

149
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“你会做正确的事。”她嘟哝着。这次不是幻像——是一个叮嘱。“她是斯旺警长唯一的亲人。

150
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那么做也会要他的命的。”

151
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“是的。”我说道，仅仅同意她后面那句话。

152
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她从车里滑出来，和其他人站起一起，她的眉毛因焦虑而卷成一团。他们逐渐融入树林，直到再也看不见了，我才把车掉了个头。

153
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我加快速度驶回小镇，我知道爱丽丝脑中的幻象将从暗变亮，就像闪光灯一样。当我把车速加到九十公里回到福克斯时，我依然不确定自己该去哪里。去和我的父亲说再见？还是拥抱我体内的魔鬼？在我的车轮下，公路延伸向远方。

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I did not see much of Jasper’s guests for the two sunny days that they were in Forks. Ionly went home at all so that Esme wouldn’t worry. Otherwise, my existence seemedmore like that of a specter than a vampire. I hovered, invisible in the shadows, where Icould follow the object of my love and obsession—where I could see her and hear her inthe minds of the lucky humans who could walk through the sunlight beside her,sometimes accidentally brushing the back of her hand with their own. She never reactedto such contact; their hands were just as warm as hers.

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The enforced absence from school had never been a trial like this before. But thesun seemed to make her happy, so I could not resent it too much. Anything that pleasedher was in my good graces.

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Monday morning, I eavesdropped on a conversation that had the potential todestroy my confidence and make the time spent away from her a torture. As it ended up,though, it rather made my day.

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I had to feel some little respect for Mike Newton; he had not simply given up andslunk away to nurse his wounds. He had more bravery than I’d given him credit for. Hewas going to try again.

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Bella got to school quite early and, seeming intent on enjoying the sun while itlasted, sat at one of the seldom used picnic benches while she waited for the first bell toring. Her hair caught the sun in unexpected ways, giving off a reddish shine that I hadnot anticipated.

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Mike found her there, doodling again, and was thrilled at his good luck.

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It was agonizing to only be able to watch, powerless, bound to the forest’sshadows by the bright sunlight.

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She greeted him with enough enthusiasm to make him ecstatic, and me theopposite.

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See, she likes me. She wouldn’t smile like that if she didn’t. I bet she wanted togo to the dance with me. Wonder what’s so important in Seattle…    He perceived the change in her hair. “I never noticed before—your hair has red init.”

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I accidentally uprooted the young spruce tree my hand was resting on when hepinched a strand of her hair between his fingers.

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“Only in the sun,” she said. To my deep satisfaction, she cringed away from himslightly when he tucked the strand behind her ear.

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It took Mike a minute to build up his courage, wasting some time on small talk.

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She reminded him of the essay we all had due on Wednesday. From the faintlysmug expression on her face, hers was already done. He’d forgotten altogether, and thatseverely diminished his free time.

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Dang—stupid essay.

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Finally he got to the point—my teeth were clenched so hard they could havepulverized granite—and even then, he couldn’t make himself ask the question outright.

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“I was going to ask if you wanted to go out.”

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“Oh,” she said.

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There was a brief silence.

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Oh? What does that mean? Is she going to yes? Wait—I guess I didn’t reallyask.

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He swallowed hard.

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“Well, we could go to dinner or something…and I could work on it later.”

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Stupid—that wasn’t a question either.

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“Mike…”

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The agony and fury of my jealousy was every whit as powerful as it had been lastweek. I broke another tree trying to hold myself here. I wanted so badly to race acrossthe campus, too fast for human eyes, and snatch her up—to steal her away from the boythat I hated so much in this moment I could have kill him and enjoyed it.

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Would she say yes to him?

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“I don’t think that would be the best idea.”

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I breathed again. My rigid body relaxed.

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Seattle was just an excuse, after all. Shouldn’t have asked. What was I thinking?

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Bet it’s that freak, Cullen…  “Why?” he asked sullenly.

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“I think…” she hesitated. “And if you ever repeat what I’m saying right now Iwill cheerfully beat you to death—”

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I laughed out loud at the sound of a death threat coming through her lips. A jayshrieked, startled, and launched itself away from me.

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“But I think that would hurt Jessica’s feelings.”

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“Jessica?” What? But… Oh. Okay. I guess… So… Huh.

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His thoughts were no longer coherent.

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“Really, Mike, are you blind?”

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I echoed her sentiment. She shouldn’t expect everyone to be as perceptive as shewas, but really this instance was beyond obvious. With as much trouble as Mike had hadworking himself up to ask Bella out, did he imagine it wasn’t just as difficult for Jessica?

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It must be selfishness that made him blind to others. And Bella was so unselfish, she saweverything.

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Jessica. Huh. Wow. Huh. “Oh,” he managed to say.

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Bella used his confusion to make her exit.

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“It’s time for class, and I can’t be late again.”

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Mike became an unreliable viewpoint from then on. He found, as he turned theidea of Jessica around and around in his head, that he rather liked the thought of herfinding him attractive. It was second place, not as good as if Bella had felt that way.

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She’s cute, though, I guess. Decent body. A bird in the hand…He was off then, on to new fantasies that were just as vulgar as the ones aboutBella, but now they only irritated rather than infuriated. How little he deserved eithergirl; they were almost interchangeable to him. I stayed clear of his head after that.

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When she was out of sight, I curled up against the cool trunk of an enormousmadrone tree and I danced from mind to mind, keeping her in sight, always glad whenAngela Weber was available to look through. I wished there was someway to thank theWeber girl for simply being a nice person. It made me feel better to think that Bella hadone friend worth having.

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I watched Bella’s face from whichever angle I was given, and I could see that shewas sad again. This surprised me—I thought the sun would be enough to keep her.   smiling. At lunch, I saw her glance time and time again toward the empty Cullen table,and that thrilled me. It gave me hope. Perhaps she missed me, too.

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She had plans to go out with the other girls—I automatically planned my ownsurveillance—but these plans were postponed when Mike invited Jessica out on the datehe’d planned for Bella.

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So I went straight to her home instead, doing a quick sweep of the woods to makesure no one dangerous had wandered too close. I knew Jasper had warned his one-timebrother to avoid the town—citing my insanity as both explanation and warning—but Iwasn’t taking any chances. Peter and Charlotte had no intention of causing animositywith my family, but intentions were changeable things…All right, I was overdoing it. I knew that.

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As if she knew I was watching, as if she took pity on the agony I felt when Icouldn’t see her, Bella came out to the backyard after a long hour indoors. She had abook in her hand and a blanket under her arm.

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Silently, I climbed into the higher branches of the closest tree overlooking theyard.

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She spread the blanket on the damp grass and then lay on her stomach and startedflipping through the worn book, as if trying to find her place. I read over her shoulder.

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Ah—more classics. She was an Austen fan.

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She read quickly, crossing and recrossing her ankles in the air. I was watchingthe sunlight and wind play in her hair when her body suddenly stiffened, and her handfroze on the page. All I saw was that she’d reached chapter three when she roughlygrabbed a thick section of pages and shoved them over.

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I caught a glance of a title page, Mansfield Park. She was starting a new story—the book was a compilation of novels. I wondered why she’d switched stories soabruptly.

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Just a few moments later, she slammed the book angrily shut. With a fierce scowlon her face, she pushed the book aside and flipped over onto her back. She took a deepbreath, as if to calm herself, pushed her sleeves up and closed her eyes. I remembered thenovel, but I couldn’t think of anything offensive in it to upset her. Another mystery. Isighed.

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She lay very still, moving just once to yank her hair away from her face. Itfanned out over her head, a river of chestnut. And then she was motionless again.

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Her breathing slowed. After several long minutes her lips began to tremble.

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Mumbling in her sleep.

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Impossible to resist. I listened as far out as I could, catching voices in the housesnearby.

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Two tablespoons of flour…one cup of milk…C’mon! Get it through the hoop! Aw, c’mon!

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Red, or blue…or maybe I should wear something more casual…There was no one close by. I jumped to the ground, landing silently on my toes.

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This was very wrong, very risky. How condescendingly I’d once judged Emmettfor his thoughtless ways and Jasper for his lack of discipline—and now I was consciouslyflouting all the rules with a wild abandon that made their lapses look like nothing at all. Iused to be the responsible one.

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I sighed, but crept out into the sunshine, regardless.

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I avoided looking at myself in the sun’s glare. It was bad enough that my skinwas stone and inhuman in shadow; I didn’t want to look at Bella and myself side by sidein the sunlight. The difference between us was already insurmountable, painful enoughwithout this image also in my head.

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But I couldn’t ignore the rainbow sparkles that reflected onto her skin when I gotcloser. My jaw locked at the sight. Could I be any more of a freak? I imagined herterror if she opened her eyes now…I started to retreat, but she mumbled again, holding me there.

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“Mmm… Mmm.”

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Nothing intelligible. Well, I would wait for a bit.

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I carefully stole her book, stretching my arm out and holding my breath while Iwas close, just in case. I started breathing again when I was a few yards away, tasting theway the sunshine and open air affected her scent. The heat seemed to sweeten the smell.

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My throat flamed with desire, the fire fresh and fierce again because I had been awayfrom her for too long.

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I spent a moment controlling that, and then—forcing myself to breathe throughmy nose—I let her book fall open in my hands. She’d started with the first book… Iflipped through the pages quickly to the third chapter of Sense and Sensibility, searchingfor something potentially offensive in Austen’s overly polite prose.

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When my eyes stopped automatically at my name—the character Edward Ferrarsbeing introduced for the first time—Bella spoke again.

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“Mmm. Edward.” She sighed.

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This time I did not fear that she had awoken. Her voice was just a low, wistfulmurmur. Not the scream of fear it would have been if she’d seen me now.

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Joy warred with self-loathing. She was still dreaming of me, at least.

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“Edmund. Ahh. Too….close…”

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Edmund?

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Ha! She wasn’t dreaming of me at all, I realized blackly. The self-loathingreturned in force. She was dreaming of fictional characters. So much for my conceit.

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I replaced her book, and stole back into the cover of the shadows—where Ibelonged.

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The afternoon passed and I watched, feeling helpless again, as the sun slowlysank in the sky and the shadows crawled across the lawn toward her. I wanted to pushthem back, but the darkness was inevitable; the shadows took her. When the light wasgone, her skin looked too pale—ghostly. Her hair was dark again, almost black againsther face.

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It was a frightening thing to watch—like witnessing Alice’s visions come tofruition. Bella’s steady, strong heartbeat was the only reassurance, the sound that keptthis moment from feeling like a nightmare.

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I was relieved when her father arrived home.

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I could hear little from him as he drove down the street toward the house. Somevague annoyance…in the past, something from his day at work. Expectation mixed withhunger—I guessed that he was looking forward to dinner. But his thoughts were so quietand contained that I could not be sure I was right; I only got the gist of them.

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I wondered what her mother sounded like—what the genetic combination hadbeen that had formed her so uniquely.

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Bella started awake, jerking up to a sitting position when the tires of her father’scar hit the brick driveway. She stared around herself, seeming confused by theunexpected darkness. For one brief moment, her eyes touched the shadows where I hid,but they flickered quickly away.

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“Charlie?” she asked in a low voice, still peering into the trees surrounding thesmall yard.

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The door of his car slammed shut, and she looked to the sound. She got to herfeet quickly and gathered her things, casting one more look back toward the woods.

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I moved into a tree closer to the back window near the small kitchen, and listenedto their evening. It was interesting to compare Charlie’s words to his muffled thoughts.

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His love and concern for his only daughter were nearly overwhelming, and yet his wordswere always terse and casual. Most of the time, they sat in companionable silence.

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I heard her discuss her plans for the following evening in Port Angeles, and Irefined my own plans as I listened. Jasper had not warned Peter and Charlotte to stayclear of Port Angeles. Though I knew that they had fed recently and had no intention ofhunting any where in the vicinity of our home, I would watch her, just in case. After all,there were always others of my kind out there. And then, all those human dangers that Ihad never much considered before now.

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I heard her worry aloud about leaving her father to prepare dinner alone, andsmiled at this proof to my theory—yes, she was a care-taker.

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And then I left, knowing I would return when she was asleep.

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I would not trespass on her privacy the way the peeping tom would have. I washere for her protection, not to leer at her in the way Mike Newton no doubt would, werehe agile enough to move through the treetops the way I could. I would not treat her socrassly.

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My house was empty when I returned, which was fine by me. I didn’t miss theconfused or disparaging thoughts, questioning my sanity. Emmett had left a note stuck tothe newel post.

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Football at the Rainier field—c’mon! Please?

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I found a pen and scrawled the word sorry beneath his plea. The teams were evenwithout me, in any case.

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I went for the shortest of hunting trips, contenting myself with the smaller, gentlercreatures that did not taste as good as the hunters, and then changed into fresh clothesbefore I ran back to Forks.

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Bella did not sleep as well tonight. She thrashed in her blankets, her facesometimes worried, sometimes sad. I wondered what nightmare haunted her…and thenrealized that perhaps I really didn’t want to know.

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When she spoke, she mostly muttered derogatory things about Forks in a glumvoice. Only once, when she sighed out the words “Come back” and her hand twitchedopen—a wordless plea—did I have a chance to hope she might be dreaming of me.

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The next day of school, the last day the sun would hold me prisoner, was muchthe same as the day before. Bella seemed even gloomier than yesterday, and I wonderedif she would bow out of her plans—she didn’t seem in the mood.

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But, being Bella, she would probably put her friends’ enjoyment above that of herown.

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She wore a deep blue blouse today, and the color set her skin off perfectly,making it look like fresh cream.

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School ended, and Jessica agreed to pick the other girls up—Angela was going,too, for which I was grateful.

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I went home to get my car. When I found that Peter and Charlotte were there, Idecided could afford to give the girls an hour or so for a head start. I would never be ableto bear following behind them, driving at the speed limit—hideous thought.

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I came in through the kitchen, nodding vaguely at Emmett’s and Esme’s greetingsas I passed by everyone in the front room and went straight to the piano.

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Ugh, he’s back. Rosalie, of course.

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Ah, Edward. I hate to see him suffering so. Esme’s joy was becoming marred byconcern. She should be concerned. This love story she envisioned for me was careeningtoward a tragedy more perceptibly every moment.

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Have fun in Port Angeles tonight, Alice thought cheerfully. Let me know whenI’m allowed to talk to Bella.

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You’re pathetic. I can’t believe you missed the game last night just to watchsomebody sleep, Emmett grumbled.

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Jasper paid me no mind, even when the song I played came out a little morestormily than I’d intended. It was an old song, with a familiar theme: impatience. Jasperwas saying goodbye to his friends, who eyed me curiously.

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What a strange creature, the Alice-sized, white-blond Charlotte was thinking.

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And he was so normal and pleasant the last time we met.

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Peter’s thoughts were in sync with hers, as was usually the case.

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It must be the animals. The lack of human blood drives them mad eventually, hewas concluding. His hair was just as fair as hers, and almost as long. They were verysimilar—except for size, as he was almost as tall as Jasper—in both look and thought. Awell matched pair, I’d always thought.

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Everyone but Esme stopped thinking about me after a moment, and I played inmore subdued tones so that I would not attract notice.

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I did not pay attention to them for a long while, just letting the music distract mefrom my unease. It was hard to have the girl out of sight and mind. I only returned myattention to their conversation when the goodbyes grew more final.

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“If you see Maria again,” Jasper was saying, a little warily, “tell her I wish herwell.”

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Maria was the vampire who had created both Jasper and Peter—Jasper in thelatter half of the nineteenth century, Peter more recently, in the nineteen forties. She’dlooked Jasper up once when we were in Calgary. It had been an eventful visit—we’d hadto move immediately. Jasper had politely asked her to keep her distance in the future.

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“I don’t imagine that will happen soon,” Peter said with a laugh—Maria wasundeniable dangerous and there was not much love lost between her and Peter. Peterhad, after all, been instrumental in Jasper’s defection. Jasper had always been Maria’sfavorite; she considered it a minor detail that she had once planned to kill him. “But,should it happen, I certainly will.”

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They were shaking hands then, preparing to depart. I let the song I was playingtrail off to an unsatisfying end, and got hastily to my feet.

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“Charlotte, Peter,” I said, nodding.

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“It was nice to see you again, Edward,” Charlotte said doubtfully. Peter justnodded in return.

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Madman, Emmett threw after me.

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Idiot, Rosalie thought at the same time.

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Poor boy. Esme.

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And Alice, in a chiding tone. They’re going straight east, to Seattle. No wherenear Port Angeles. She showed me the proof in her visions.

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I pretended I hadn’t heard that. My excuses were already flimsy enough.

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Once in my car, I felt more relaxed; the robust purr of the engine Rosalie hadboosted for me—last year, when she was in a better mood—was soothing. It was a reliefto be in motion, to know that I was getting closer to Bella with every mile that flew awayunder my tires.

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