Mamma was no longer with us, but our life went on as usual. We went to bed and got up at the same times and in the same rooms; breakfast, luncheon, and supper continued to be at their usual hours; everything remained standing in its accustomed place; nothing in the house or in our mode of life was altered: only, she was not there.
Yet it seemed to me as though such a, misfortune ought to have changed everything. Our old mode of life appeared like an insult to her memory. It recalled too vividly her presence.
The day before the funeral I felt as though I should like to rest a little after luncheon, and accordingly went to Natalia Savishna’s room with the intention of installing myself comfortably under the warm, soft down of the quilt on her bed.
When I entered I found Natalia herself lying on the bed and apparently asleep, but, on hearing my footsteps, she raised herself up, removed the handkerchief which had been protecting her face from the flies, and, adjusting her cap, sat forward on the edge of the bed.
Since it frequently happened that I came to lie down in her room, she guessed my errand at once, and said:"So you have come to rest here a little, have you? Lie down, then, my dearest."
"Oh, but what is the matter with you, Natalia Savishna?" I exclaimed as I forced her back again. "I did not come for that. No, you are tired yourself, so you LIE down."
"I am quite rested now, darling," she said (though I knew that it was many a night since she had closed her eyes). "Yes, I am indeed, and have no wish to sleep again," she added with a deep sigh.
I felt as though I wanted to speak to her of our misfortune, since I knew her sincerity and love, and thought that it would be a consolation to me to weep with her.
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9
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“娜达丽雅·萨维什娜,”我说,沉默了一会儿,坐在她的床上,“您料到这事了吗?”
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9
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"Natalia Savishna," I said after a pause, as I seated myself upon the bed, "who would ever have thought of this? "
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10
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老妇人带着莫名其妙和好奇的神色望了望我,大概不明白我为什么问她这个。
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10
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The old woman looked at me with astonishment, for she did not quite understand my question.
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11
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“谁会料到这事呢?”我重复了一句。
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11
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"Yes, who would ever have thought of it?" I repeated.
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12
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“噢,我的少爷,”她说着,投给我一个最温柔的同情的目光,“不但没有料到,就是现在我也不能设想啊!
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12
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"Ah, my darling," she said with a glance of tender compassion,"it is not only ’Who would ever have thought of it?’ but ’Who, even now, would ever believe it?’
I am old, and my bones should long ago have gone to rest rather than that I should have lived to see the old master, your Grandpapa, of blessed memory, and Prince Nicola Michaelovitch, and his two brothers, and your sister Amenka all buried before me, though all younger than myself--and now my darling, to my never-ending sorrow, gone home before me! Yet it has been God’s will. He took her away because she was worthy to be taken, and because He has need of the good ones."
This simple thought seemed to me a consolation, and I pressed closer to Natalia, She laid her hands upon my head as she looked upward with eyes expressive of a deep, but resigned, sorrow. In her soul was a sure and certain hope that God would not long separate her from the one upon whom the whole strength of her love had for many years been concentrated.
"Yes, my dear," she went on, "it is a long time now since I used to nurse and fondle her, and she used to call me Natasha. She used to come jumping upon me, and caressing and kissing me, and say, ’MY Nashik, MY darling, MY ducky,’ and I used to answer jokingly, ’Well, my love, I don’t believe that you DO love me. You will be a grown-up young lady soon, and going away to be married, and will leave your Nashik forgotten.’
Then she would grow thoughtful and say, ’I think I had better not marry if my Nashik cannot go with me, for I mean never to leave her.’ Yet, alas! She has left me now! Who was there in the world she did not love? Yes, my dearest, it must never be POSSIBLE for you to forget your Mamma. She was not a being of earth--she was an angel from Heaven. When her soul has entered the heavenly kingdom she will continue to love you and to be proud of you even there."
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17
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“为什么您说,娜达丽雅·萨维什娜,‘将来到了天国的时候呢?’”我问。“我想,她现在已经在那里了。”
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17
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"But why do you say ’when her soul has entered the heavenly kingdom’?" I asked. "I believe it is there now."
"No, my dearest," replied Natalia as she lowered her voice and pressed herself yet closer to me, "her soul is still here," and she pointed upwards.
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19
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她几乎是用耳语声说的,声音里充满了感情和确信。我不由自主地抬起眼来,望望檐板,在那里找寻什么东西。
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19
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She spoke in a whisper, but with such an intensity of conviction that I too involuntarily raised my eyes and looked at the ceiling, as though expecting to see something there.
Before the souls of the just enter Paradise they have to undergo forty trials for forty days, and during that time they hover around their earthly home."
She went on speaking for some time in this strain--speaking with the same simplicity and conviction as though she were relating common things which she herself had witnessed, and to doubt which could never enter into any one’s head. I listened almost breathlessly, and though I did not understand all she said, I never for a moment doubted her word.
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22
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“是的,少爷,现在她就在这儿,望着我们,也许还在听我们说话呢。”娜达丽雅·萨维什娜结束说。
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22
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"Yes, my darling, she is here now, and perhaps looking at us and listening to what we are saying," concluded Natalia.
Raising her head, she remained silent for a while. At length she wiped away the tears which were streaming from her eyes, looked me straight in the face, and said in a voice trembling with emotion:
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24
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“通过这件事,上帝使我更接近他好几步。现在,这儿还给我留下什么呢?我为谁活着呢?我爱谁呢?”
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24
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"Ah, it is through many trials that God is leading me to Him. Why, indeed, am I still here? Whom have I to live for? Whom have I to love?"
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25
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“难道您不爱我们吗?”我责备说,几乎忍不住掉下泪来。
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25
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"Do you not love US, then?" I asked sadly, and half-choking with my tears.
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26
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“天知道我多么爱你们这些宝贝,但是我从来没有,而且也不能,像爱她那样爱任何一个人。”
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26
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"Yes, God knows that I love you, my darling; but to love any one as I loved HER--that I cannot do."
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27
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她说不下去了,转过身去,痛哭起来。
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27
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She could say no more, but turned her head aside and wept bitterly.
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28
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我再也不想睡了;我们面对面不声不响地坐着哭泣。
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28
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As for me, I no longer thought of going to sleep, but sat silently with her and mingled my tears with hers.
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29
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福加走进屋来;他看见我们这种情景,大概不愿意惊动我们,就停在门口,默默地、怯生生地张望着。
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29
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Presently Foka entered the room, but, on seeing our emotion and not wishing to disturb us, stopped short at the door.
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30
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“你有什么事,福加?”娜达丽雅·萨维什娜问道,用手帕揩着眼泪。
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30
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"Do you want anything, my good Foka?" asked Natalia as she wiped away her tears.
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31
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“要一磅半葡萄干,四磅糖,三磅黍米,做八宝供饭 ① 。”
①八宝供饭:举行丧礼的供在死者面前的饭。
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31
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"If you please, half-a-pound of currants, four pounds of sugar, and three pounds of rice for the kutia."
"Yes, in one moment," said Natalia as she took a pinch of snuff and hastened to her drawers. All traces of the grief, aroused by our conversation disappeared on, the instant that she had duties to fulfil, for she looked upon those duties as of paramount importance.
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33
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“为什么要四磅?”她唠叨说,拿出糖在天平上称一称,“三磅半就够了。”于是她从天平上取下几小块。
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33
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"But why FOUR pounds?" she objected as she weighed the sugar on a steelyard. "Three and a half would be sufficient," and she withdrew a few lumps.
"How is it, too, that, though I weighed out eight pounds of rice yesterday, more is wanted now? No offence to you, Foka, but I am not going to waste rice like that. I suppose Vanka is glad that there is confusion in the house just now, for he thinks that nothing will be looked after, but I am not going to have any careless extravagance with my master’s goods. Did one ever hear of such a thing? Eight pounds!"
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35
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“怎么办呢?他说都用完了。”
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35
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"Well, I have nothing to do with it. He says it is all gone, that’s all."
I was struck by the sudden transition from the touching sensibility with which she had just been speaking to me to this petty reckoning and captiousness. Yet, thinking it over afterwards, I recognised that it was merely because, in spite of what was lying on her heart, she retained the habit of duty, and that it was the strength of that habit which enabled her to pursue her functions as of old.
Her grief was too strong and too true to require any pretence of being unable to fulfil trivial tasks, nor would she have understood that any one could so pretend.
Vanity is a sentiment so entirely at variance with genuine grief, yet a sentiment so inherent in human nature, that even the most poignant sorrow does not always drive it wholly forth.
Vanity mingled with grief shows itself in a desire to be recognised as unhappy or resigned; and this ignoble desire--an aspiration which, for all that we may not acknowledge it is rarely absent, even in cases of the utmost affliction--takes off greatly from the force, the dignity, and the sincerity of grief. Natalia Savishna had been so sorely smitten by her misfortune that not a single wish of her own remained in her soul--she went on living purely by habit.
Grandmamma received the sad tidings only on our return to her house, and her grief was extraordinary. At first we were not allowed to see her, since for a whole week she was out of her mind, and the doctors were afraid for her life. Not only did she decline all medicine whatsoever, but she refused to speak to anybody or to take nourishment, and never closed her eyes m sleep.