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相约星期二|Tuesdays with Morrie

The Student|The Syllabus

属类: 双语小说 【分类】世界名著 -[作者: 米奇-艾尔邦] 阅读:[16162]
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现在,我必须交代一下自从那个夏日我最后一次拥抱了我那位可亲、睿智的教授。并答应和他保持联系后我所发生的变化。

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我没有和他联系。

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事实上,我同学校的大部分人都失去了联系,包括我的酒友和第一个和我早晨一起醒来的女朋友。毕业后的几年把我磨炼成了另一个人,他身上再也没有那个当年离开校园准备去纽约向全世界贡献才智的年轻人的影子了。

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我发现,这个世界并不那么吸引人。我浑浑噩噩地打发着二十刚出头的那几年:付房租,看广告,寻思着生活为何不向我开绿灯。我的梦想是成为一个大音乐家(我那时在弹钢琴),但几年昏暗、空虚的夜总会生活,从不兑现的允诺,不断拆散的乐队以及除了我对谁都感兴趣的制作人,终于使我的梦想变了味。我第一次在生活中成了失败者。

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与此同时,我第一次真正见到了死亡。我最亲近的舅舅,我母亲的弟弟,那个为我取名、教我音乐、教我驾驶,和我开姑娘的玩笑,和我玩足球的人——那个在我眼里仍是个孩子,也是我长大后要学习的楷模——在他四十四岁那年死于了胰腺癌。他是个矮小、漂亮的男人,长着浓浓的胡子。在他生命的最后一年我一直陪伴着他,我住在他楼下的一间公寓里。我看着他强壮的身体一天天瘦削下去,然后又开始浮肿,看着他整夜整夜地受罪:身体趴在餐桌上,手按着肚子、闭着眼睛,嘴巴痛得都变了形。“嗷——上帝,”他常常呻吟不止,“嗷——那稣!”其余的人——我舅妈,他两个年少的儿子,以及我——则站在一旁,默默地收拾着盘子,眼睛躲避着这痛苦的场面。

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这是我一生中感到最无能为力的时刻。

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一天晚上,那是在五月,舅舅和我坐在他寓所的阳台上。天气很暖和,微风习习。他望着远处,从牙缝里硬挤出几句话来,他说他看不到他的儿子读下一个学期了,问我能不能照顾好他们。我让他别这么说。他哀伤地望着我。

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几个星期后他去世了。

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葬礼之后,我的生活改变了。我感觉到时间突然变得宝贵起来,年华似水,而我却追赶不上。我不再去空着一半座位的俱乐部弹琴,不再呆在屋子里写那些没人要听的歌。我又回到了学校,读完了新闻专业的硕士学位,并找到了一份体育记者的工作。我不再追求自己的名望,转而开始写那些渴望成名的运动员。我给报纸和杂志专栏撰稿。我夜以继日、没有节制地工作着。我早上醒来后,刷完牙便穿着睡衣坐到了打字机前。我舅舅过去在一家公司工作,他后来十分怨恨这份工作——天天老一套——于是我发誓不要有他那样的结局。

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我从纽约又跳槽到佛罗里达,最后在底特律找了一份工作,当《底特律自由报》的专栏作家。这个城市对体育有着疯狂的需求——它有职业的橄榄球队。篮球队。棒球队和冰球队——这给我雄心勃勃的理想提供了机会。几年后,我除了撰写体育报道评论外,还开始写体育方面的专著,制作广播节目,经常在电视上抛头露面,对暴富的橄榄球明星和好矫饰的大学体育活动评头论足,我成了淹没这个国家的传媒风暴的一部分。人们需要我。

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我不再租房,开始买房。我买了一幢山间别墅。我买了汽车。我投资股市并建立了有价证券组合。我就像一辆推到最高挡速的车子运行着,任何事情我都规定了最后日期。我玩命似地锻炼身子,发疯似地开着汽车。我赚的钱超过了我的期望值。我遇上了一位名叫詹宁的黑发姑娘,她很爱我,不嫌弃我毫无时间规律的工作。经过七年的恋爱我们结了婚。婚后一个星期我便回到了工作堆里。我对她说——也是对自己说——我们会生儿育女成立一个家庭的,这是她渴望的事情。可那一天却遥遥无期。

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相反,我仍热衷于工作上的成就,因为只有成就感能使我相信我在主宰自己,我可以在末日到来之前享受到每一份最后的快乐。我认为舅舅的厄运也将是我命中注定的结局。

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至于莫里?是的,我时常会想起他,想起他教我如何“做人”,如何“与人相处”。但这一切总显得有些遥远,似乎来自另一种生活。这几年里,凡是从布兰代斯大学寄来的邮件都被我扔进了废纸篓,我认为它们无非是来募捐的。因此我毫不知晓莫里得病的情况。那些能告诉我的人早已被我遗忘了,他们的电话号码早已束之高阁,埋在了顶楼小屋的某个盒子里,

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要不是那天晚上我随手调换电视频道时偶尔听见了那几句话,我的生活仍会这样继续下去。

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His death sentence came in the summer of 1994. Looking back, Morrie knew something bad was coming long before that. He knew it the day he gave up dancing.

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He had always been a dancer, my old professor. The music didn’t matter. Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful smile begin to move to his own sense of rhythm. It wasn’t always pretty. But then, he didn’t worry about a partner. Morrie danced by himself.

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He used to go to this church in Harvard Square every Wednesday night for something called "Dance Free." They had flashing lights and booming speakers and Morrie would wander in among the mostly student crowd, wearing a white T-shirt and black sweatpants and a towel around his neck, and whatever music was playing, that’s the music to which he danced. He’d do the lindy to Jimi Hendrix. He twisted and twirled, he waved his arms like a conductor on amphetamines, until sweat was dripping down the middle of his back. No one there knew he was a prominent doctor of sociology, with years of experience as a college professor and several well-respected books. They just thought he was some old nut.

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Once, he brought a tango tape and got them to play it over the speakers. Then he commandeered the floor, shooting back and forth like some hot Latin lover. When he finished, everyone applauded. He could have stayed in that moment forever.

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But then the dancing stopped.

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He developed asthma in his sixties. His breathing became labored. One day he was walking along the Charles River, and a cold burst of wind left him choking for air. He was rushed to the hospital and injected with Adrenalin.

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A few years later, he began to have trouble walking. At a birthday party for a friend, he stumbled inexplicably. Another night, he fell down the steps of a theater, startling a small crowd of people.

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"Give him air!" someone yelled.

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He was in his seventies by this point, so they whispered "old age" and helped him to his feet. But Morrie, who was always more in touch with his insides than the rest of us, knew something else was wrong. This was more than old age. He was weary all the time. He had trouble sleeping. He dreamt he was dying.

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He began to see doctors. Lots of them. They tested his blood. They tested his urine. They put a scope up his rear end and looked inside his intestines. Finally, when nothing could be found, one doctor ordered a muscle biopsy, taking a small piece out of Morrie’s calf. The lab report came back suggesting a neurological problem, and Morrie was brought in for yet another series of tests. In one of those tests, he sat in a special seat as they zapped him with electrical current-an electric chair, of sortsand studied his neurological responses.

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"We need to check this further," the doctors said, looking over his results.

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"Why?" Morrie asked. "What is it?"

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"We’re not sure. Your times are slow." His times were slow? What did that mean?

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Finally, on a hot, humid day in August 1994, Morrie and his wife, Charlotte, went to the neurologist’s office, and he asked them to sit before he broke the news: Morrie had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), Lou Gehrig’s disease, a brutal, unforgiving illness of the neurological system.

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There was no known cure.

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"How did I get it?" Morrie asked. Nobody knew.

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"Is it terminal?"

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Yes.

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"So I’m going to die?"

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Yes, you are, the doctor said. I’m very sorry.

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He sat with Morrie and Charlotte for nearly two hours, patiently answering their questions. When they left, the doctor gave them some information on ALS, little pamphlets, as if they were opening a bank account. Outside, the sun was shining and people were going about their business. A woman ran to put money in the parking meter. Another carried groceries. Charlotte had a million thoughts running through her mind: How much time do we have left? How will we manage? How will we pay the bills?

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My old professor, meanwhile, was stunned by the normalcy of the day around him. Shouldn’t the world stop? Don’t they know what has happened to me?

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But the world did not stop, it took no notice at all, and as Morrie pulled weakly on the car door, he felt as if he were dropping into a hole.

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Now what? he thought.

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As my old professor searched for answers, the disease took him over, day by day, week by week. He backed the car out of the garage one morning and could barely push the brakes. That was the end of his driving.

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He kept tripping, so he purchased a cane. That was the end of his walking free.

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He went for his regular swim at the YMCA, but found he could no longer undress himself. So he hired his first home care worker-a theology student named Tony-who helped him in and out of the pool, and in  and out of his bathing suit. In the locker room, the other swimmers pretended not to stare. They stared anyhow. That was the end of his privacy.

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In the fall of 1994, Morrie came to the hilly Brandeis campus to teach his final college course. He could have skipped this, of course. The university would have understood. Why suffer in front of so many people? Stay at home. Get your affairs in order. But the idea of quitting did not occur to Morrie.

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Instead, he hobbled into the classroom, his home for more than thirty years. Because of the cane, he took a while to reach the chair. Finally, he sat down, dropped his glasses off his nose, and looked out at the young faces who stared back in silence.

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"My friends, I assume you are all here for the Social Psychology class. I have been teaching this course for twenty years, and this is the first time I can say there is a risk in taking it, because I have a fatal illness. I may not live to finish the semester.

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"If you feel this is a problem, I understand if you wish to drop the course."

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He smiled.

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And that was the end of his secret.

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ALS is like a lit candle: it melts your nerves and leaves your body a pile of wax. Often, it begins with the legs and works its way up. You lose control of your thigh muscles, so that you cannot support yourself standing. You lose control of your trunk muscles, so that you cannot sit up straight. By the end, if you are still alive, you are breathing through a tube in a hole in your throat, while your soul, perfectly awake, is imprisoned inside a limp husk, perhaps able to blink, or cluck a tongue, like something from a science fiction movie, the man frozen inside his own flesh. This takes no more than five years from the day you contract the disease.

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Morrie’s doctors guessed he had two years left. Morrie knew it was less.

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But my old professor had made a profound decision, one he began to construct the day he came out of the doctor’s office with a sword hanging over his head. Do I wither up and disappear, or do I make the best of my time left? he had asked himself.

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He would not wither. He would not be ashamed of dying.

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Instead, he would make death his final project, the center point of his days. Since everyone was going to die, he could be of great value, right? He could be research. A human textbook. Study me in my slow and patient demise. Watch what happens to me. Learn with me.

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Morrie would walk that final bridge between life and death, and narrate the trip.

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The fall semester passed quickly. The pills increased. Therapy became a regular routine. Nurses came to his house to work with Morrie’s withering legs, to keep the muscles active, bending them back and forth as if pumping water from a well. Massage specialists came by once a week to try to soothe the constant, heavy stiffness he felt. He met with meditation teachers, and closed his eyes and narrowed his thoughts until his world shrunk down to a single breath, in and out, in and out.

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One day, using his cane, he stepped onto the curb and fell over into the street. The cane was exchanged for a walker. As his body weakened, the back and forth to the bathroom became too exhausting, so Morrie began to urinate into a large beaker. He had to support himself as he did this, meaning someone had to hold the beaker while Morrie filled it.

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Most of us would be embarrassed by all this, especially at Morrie’s age. But Morrie was not like most of us. When some of his close colleagues would visit, he would say to them, "Listen, I have to pee. Would you mind helping? Are you okay with that?"

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Often, to their own surprise, they were.

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In fact, he entertained a growing stream of visitors. He had discussion groups about dying, what it really meant, how societies had always been afraid of it without necessarily understanding it. He told his friends that if they really wanted to help him, they would treat him not with sympathy but with visits, phone calls, a sharing of their problems-the way they had always shared their problems, because Morrie had always been a wonderful listener.

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For all that was happening to him, his voice was strong and inviting, and his mind was vibrating with a million thoughts. He was intent on proving that the word "dying" was not synonymous with "useless."

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The New Year came and went. Although he never said it to anyone, Morrie knew this would be the last year of his life. He was using a wheelchair now, and he was fighting time to say all the things he wanted to say to all the people he loved. When a colleague at Brandeis died suddenly of a heart attack, Morrie went to his funeral. He came home depressed.

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"What a waste," he said. "All those people saying all those wonderful things, and Irv never got to hear any of it."

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Morrie had a better idea. He made some calls. He chose a date. And on a cold Sunday afternoon, he was joined in his home by a small group of friends and family for a "living funeral." Each of them spoke and paid tribute to my old professor. Some cried. Some laughed. One woman read a poem:

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"My dear and loving cousin . . .

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Your ageless heart as you move through time, layer on layer, tender sequoia . . ."

50

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Morrie cried and laughed with them. And all the heartfelt things we never get to say to those we love, Morrie said that day. His "living funeral" was a rousing success.

51

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Only Morrie wasn’t dead yet.

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In fact, the most unusual part of his life was about to unfold.

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