My dear Sir,—

You may think it unkind of me

To interrupt the peaceful calm of your holiday

With a poem about business.

But I assure you, my dear sir,

That I do so with the very best intentions,

And at the call of what I consider to be duty.

Duty, as you know, is a tremendous abstraction, And brings a man into all sorts of difficult corners.

It was duty that took you into Parliament:

Similarly it is duty that constrains me to Odes.

When a man sees another man and pities him,

It is the duty of the first man to let the other man know about it Delicately.

I pity you, my dear Mr. Private Member,

From the bottom of a bottomless heart.

Many a time and oft in the course of my rambles Through the lobbies and liquor bars of St. Stephens It has been my ineffable portion to run across you—

Silk hat, frock coat, baggy trousers, patient stare, bored expression: Suddenly you smile

And crook the pregnant hinges of the back of your neck.

Mrs. Wiggle, the three Misses Wiggle, and little Master Wiggle, Wife, daughters, and son of Mr. Forthree Wiggle, Draper, and burgess of the good old Parliamentary Division Of Mudsher West,

Are up from Mudsher West,

And they want showin' round the 'Ouse, you know.

Round you go.

Again: you appear in the Strangers' Lobby,

Spectacles on nose, somebody's card in hand.

The policeman roars out name of leading constituent.

Leading constituent departed in a huff twenty minutes ago, Because he thought you were not attending to him.

There being no answer,

Policeman roars out name of leading constituent once more.

Name echoes along Lords' Lobby;

But not being there, leading constituent fails to come forward.

You look embarrassed, turn tail, retire to your back bench, And feel deucedly uncomfortable for the rest of the evening.

You would like to get away to the theatre,

But you dare not do it:

There are Whips about.

You would like to go home to bed;

You must wait the good pleasure of the course of the debate.

You would like to stand on your hind legs

And address the House on large matters:

But you know in your heart

That the House will stand absolutely nothing from you Bar a question or so.

You sit, and sit, and sit through dull debate after dull debate, And you sigh for the hustings and the brass bands, And the banquets and the "He's-a-jolly-good-fellow"-s And wonder how it comes to pass

That you, who were once set down in the Mudsher Mercury For a blend of Demosthenes and John Bright,

Can never get more than twenty words off the end of your tongue After "Mr. Speaker, Sir."

Oh! my dear Mr. Private Member,

Your case is indeed a sad one,

And it is all the sadder when one comes to reflect That, as a general rule, you are a sincereish sort of man, Burning and bursting with a desire

To do your poor suffering country

A bit of good.

You know that the men who have the ear of the House Are mere talkers;

That they are only "playing the party game,"

And that the country may go to pot for anything they care.

And yet they make their speeches

And get them reported at length in the papers,

And are given places in the Cabinet,

And go for "dines-and-sleeps" with the King, What time you grow old and grey and obese and bleary eyed, And never get the smallest show.

I pity you, my dear Mr. Private Member, I do really.

But for your comfort I may tell you

That all you lack

Is courage

And brains.

TO THE TRUE-BORN BRITON

( After Peace Night )

Dear Sir, or Madam,

As the case may be,

When Britain first,

At Heaving's command,

Arose from out

The azure main,

This was the chawter

Of that land

And gawdian a-a-a-a-angels

Sang this strain:

Don't you think so?

For my own part,

I am quite sure of it:

Monday night convinced me.

Mafeking night,

As you may remember,

Was a honeyed

And beautiful affair.

But

Peace night,

I think,

Really outdid it in splendours.

At the cafe

Which I most frequent,

All was Peace.

Round the table next mine,

There were seventeen Jews,

With a Union Jack.

Ever and anon

(Between drinks, as it were),

They held up

That Union Jack

And yelled:

"Shend him victoriouth,

'Appy and gloriouth,

Long to-o reign over uth,

&c., &c."

I wonder, my dear Sir, or Madam,

Why the Jews are so pleased:

I can't make it out.

Howsomever,

Pleased they are,

And a pleased Jew

Is worth a king's ransom,

Or words to that effect.

Peace, my dear Sir, or Madam,

Is a chaste and choice

Thing.

Outside the aforesaid cafe,

The crowd

Was so numerous

And exuberant

That I was compelled

(Much to my annoyance, of course)

To remain inside

Till closing-time.

Then I went home

In the friendly embrace

Of a four-wheeler.

For a little while,

There was much shouting and yelling and roaring and squeaking and singing;

And then I knew

No more.

My cab

Bowled away

Through the sweet evening air

(That is to say,

If the common or Regent Street growler

Ever does bowl away),

And all the time

I snored.

Duly awakened

Outside my bungalow,

I raked up the fare,

And, in reply to kind enquiries

In the hall,

I remarked:

"Peace, O woman of mine,

Peace!"