In my dream it was very dark, and what dim light there was seemed to beradiating from Edward's skin. I couldn't see his face, just his back ashe walked away from me, leaving me in the blackness. No matter how fast Iran, I couldn't catch up to him; no matter how loud I called, he neverturned. Troubled, I woke in the middle of the night and couldn't sleepagain for what seemed like a very long time. After that, he was in mydreams nearly every night, but always on the periphery, never withinreach.
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The month that followed the accident was uneasy, tense, and, at first,embarrassing.
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To my dismay, I found myself the center of attention for the rest of thatweek. Tyler Crowley was impossible, following me around, obsessed withmaking amends to me somehow. I tried to convince him what I wanted morethan anything else was for him to forget all about it — especially sincenothing had actually happened to me — but he remained insistent. Hefollowed me between classes and sat at our now-crowded lunch table. Mikeand Eric were even less friendly toward him than they were to each other,which made me worry that I'd gained another unwelcome fan.
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No one seemed concerned about Edward, though I explained over and overthat he was the hero — how he had pulled me out of the way and had nearlybeen crushed, too. I tried to be convincing. Jessica, Mike, Eric, andeveryone else always commented that they hadn't even seen him there tillthe van was pulled away.
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I wondered to myself why no one else had seen him standing so far away,before he was suddenly, impossibly saving my life. With chagrin, Irealized the probable cause — no one else was as aware of Edward as Ialways was. No one else watched him the way I did. How pitiful.
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Edward was never surrounded by crowds of curious bystanders eager for hisfirsthand account. People avoided him as usual. The Cullens and the Halessat at the same table as always, not eating, talking only amongthemselves. None of them, especially Edward, glanced my way anymore.
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When he sat next to me in class, as far from me as the table would allow,he seemed totally unaware of my presence. Only now and then, when hisfists would suddenly ball up — skin stretched even whiter over the bones— did I wonder if he wasn't quite as oblivious as he appeared.
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He wished he hadn't pulled me from the path of Tyler's van — there was noother conclusion I could come to.
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I wanted very much to talk to him, and the day after the accident Itried. The last time I'd seen him, outside the ER, we'd both been sofurious. I still was angry that he wouldn't trust me with the truth, eventhough I was keeping my part of the bargain flawlessly. But he had infact saved my life, no matter how he'd done it. And, overnight, the heatof my anger faded into awed gratitude.
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He was already seated when I got to Biology, looking straight ahead. Isat down, expecting him to turn toward me. He showed no sign that herealized I was there.
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"Hello, Edward," I said pleasantly, to show him I was going to behavemyself.
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He turned his head a fraction toward me without meeting my gaze, noddedonce, and then looked the other way.
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And that was the last contact I'd had with him, though he was there, afoot away from me, every day. I watched him sometimes, unable to stopmyself— from a distance, though, in the cafeteria or parking lot. Iwatched as his golden eyes grew perceptibly darker day by day. But inclass I gave no more notice that he existed than he showed toward me. Iwas miserable. And the dreams continued.
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Despite my outright lies, the tenor of my e-mails alerted Renée to mydepression, and she called a few times, worried. I tried to convince herit was just the weather that had me down.
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Mike, at least, was pleased by the obvious coolness between me and my labpartner. I could see he'd been worried that Edward's daring rescue mighthave impressed me, and he was relieved that it seemed to have theopposite effect. He grew more confident, sitting on the edge of my tableto talk before Biology class started, ignoring Edward as completely as heignored us.
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The snow washed away for good after that one dangerously icy day. Mikewas disappointed he'd never gotten to stage his snowball fight, butpleased that the beach trip would soon be possible. The rain continuedheavily, though, and the weeks passed.
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Jessica made me aware of another event looming on the horizon — shecalled the first Tuesday of March to ask my permission to invite Mike tothe girls' choice spring dance in two weeks.
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"Are you sure you don't mind… you weren't planning to ask him?" shepersisted when I told her I didn't mind in the least.
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"No, Jess, I'm not going," I assured her. Dancing was glaringly outsidemy range of abilities.
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"It will be really fun." Her attempt to convince me was halfhearted. Isuspected that Jessica enjoyed my inexplicable popularity more than myactual company.
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"You have fun with Mike," I encouraged.
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The next day, I was surprised that Jessica wasn't her usual gushing selfin Trig and Spanish. She was silent as she walked by my side betweenclasses, and I was afraid to ask her why. If Mike had turned her down, Iwas the last person she would want to tell.
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My fears were strengthened during lunch when Jessica sat as far from Mikeas possible, chatting animatedly with Eric. Mike was unusually quiet.
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Mike was still quiet as he walked me to class, the uncomfortable look onhis face a bad sign. But he didn't broach the subject until I was in myseat and he was perched on my desk. As always, I was electrically awareof Edward sitting close enough to touch, as distant as if he were merelyan invention of my imagination.
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"So," Mike said, looking at the floor, "Jessica asked me to the springdance.""That's great." I made my voice bright and enthusiastic. "You'll have alot of fun with Jessica.""Well…" He floundered as he examined my smile, clearly not happy with myresponse. "I told her I had to think about it.""Why would you do that?" I let disapproval color my tone, though I wasrelieved he hadn't given her an absolute no.
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His face was bright red as he looked down again. Pity shook my resolve.
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"I was wondering if… well, if you might be planning to ask me."I paused for a moment, hating the wave of guilt that swept through me.
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But I saw, from the corner of my eye, Edward's head tilt reflexively inmy direction.
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"Mike, I think you should tell her yes," I said.
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"Did you already ask someone?" Did Edward notice how Mike's eyesflickered in his direction?
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"No," I assured him. "I'm not going to the dance at all.""Why not?" Mike demanded.
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I didn't want to get into the safety hazards that dancing presented, so Iquickly made new plans.
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"I'm going to Seattle that Saturday," I explained. I needed to get out oftown anyway — it was suddenly the perfect time to go.
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"Can't you go some other weekend?""Sorry, no," I said. "So you shouldn't make Jess wait any longer — it'srude.""Yeah, you're right," he mumbled, and turned, dejected, to walk back tohis seat. I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers to my temples, tryingto push the guilt and sympathy out of my head. Mr. Banner began talking.
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I sighed and opened my eyes.
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And Edward was staring at me curiously, that same, familiar edge offrustration even more distinct now in his black eyes.
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I stared back, surprised, expecting him to look quickly away. But insteadhe continued to gaze with probing intensity into my eyes. There was noquestion of me looking away. My hands started to shake.
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"Mr. Cullen?" the teacher called, seeking the answer to a question that Ihadn't heard.
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"The Krebs Cycle," Edward answered, seeming reluctant as he turned tolook at Mr. Banner.
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I looked down at my book as soon as his eyes released me, trying to findmy place. Cowardly as ever, I shifted my hair over my right shoulder tohide my face. I couldn't believe the rush of emotion pulsing through me —just because he'd happened to look at me for the first time in ahalf-dozen weeks. I couldn't allow him to have this level of influenceover me. It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy.
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I tried very hard not to be aware of him for the rest of the hour, and,since that was impossible, at least not to let him know that I was awareof him. When the bell rang at last, I turned my back to him to gather mythings, expecting him to leave immediately as usual.
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"Bella?" His voice shouldn't have been so familiar to me, as if I'd knownthe sound of it all my life rather than for just a few short weeks.
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I turned slowly, unwillingly. I didn't want to feel what I knew I wouldfeel when I looked at his too-perfect face. My expression was wary when Ifinally turned to him; his expression was unreadable. He didn't sayanything.
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"What? Are you speaking to me again?" I finally asked, an unintentionalnote of petulance in my voice.
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His lips twitched, fighting a smile. "No, not really," he admitted.
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I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly through my nose, aware that I wasgritting my teeth. He waited.
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"Then what do you want, Edward?" I asked, keeping my eyes closed; it waseasier to talk to him coherently that way.
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"I'm sorry." He sounded sincere. "I'm being very rude, I know. But it'sbetter this way, really."I opened my eyes. His face was very serious.
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"I don't know what you mean," I said, my voice guarded.
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"It's better if we're not friends," he explained. "Trust me."My eyes narrowed. I'd heard that before.
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"It's too bad you didn't figure that out earlier," I hissed through myteeth. "You could have saved yourself all this regret.""Regret?" The word, and my tone, obviously caught him off guard. "Regretfor what?""For not just letting that stupid van squish me."He was astonished. He stared at me in disbelief.
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When he finally spoke, he almost sounded mad. "You think I regret savingyour life?""I know you do," I snapped.
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"You don't know anything." He was definitely mad.
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I turned my head sharply away from him, clenching my jaw against all thewild accusations I wanted to hurl at him. I gathered my books together,then stood and walked to the door. I meant to sweep dramatically out ofthe room, but of course I caught the toe of my boot on the door jamb anddropped my books. I stood there for a moment, thinking about leavingthem. Then I sighed and bent to pick them up. He was there; he'd alreadystacked them into a pile. He handed them to me, his face hard.
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"Thank you," I said icily.
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His eyes narrowed.
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"You're welcome," he retorted.
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I straightened up swiftly, turned away from him again, and stalked off toGym without looking back.
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Gym was brutal. We'd moved on to basketball. My team never passed me theball, so that was good, but I fell down a lot. Sometimes I took peoplewith me. Today I was worse than usual because my head was so filled withEdward. I tried to concentrate on my feet, but he kept creeping back intomy thoughts just when I really needed my balance.
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It was a relief, as always, to leave. I almost ran to the truck; therewere just so many people I wanted to avoid. The truck had suffered onlyminimal damage in the accident. I'd had to replace the taillights, and ifI'd had a real paint job, I would have touched that up. Tyler's parentshad to sell their van for parts.
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[p1]"Sorry, Tyler," I said, working to hide my irritation. "I really am goingout of town.""That's cool. We still have 78
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[p2]">prom."And before I could respond, he was walking back to his car. I could feelthe shock on my face. I looked forward to see Alice, Rosalie, Emmett, andJasper all sliding into the Volvo. In his rearview mirror, Edward's eyeswere on me. He was unquestionably shaking with laughter, as if he'd heardevery word Tyler had said. My foot itched toward the gas pedal… onelittle bump wouldn't hurt any of them, just that glossy silver paint job.