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记忆传授人|The Giver

第十四章 安抚加波|Chapter 14

属类： 双语小说 【分类】魔幻小说 阅读：[9901]
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这次的记忆跟上次很像，但显然不是先前那座山，这里的山势陡峭，雪也没那么大。

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乔纳思察觉到天气更冷了。他坐在山顶上等候时，发现雪橇下面的积雪不像以前那么厚、那么松软，而是质地坚硬，上头覆盖着一层浅蓝色的冰。

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雪橇向前移动了，乔纳思开心地笑着，期待能在冰凉的空气中开始令人屏息的滑行。

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上次的山丘是雪覆大地，所以滑行顺畅；这次却是冰封大地，滑动不易。他一直往旁边溜过去，速度越来越快。乔纳思拉起绳子，想要好好控制雪橇，但是陡峭的山坡、飞快的速度，让他的双手无法招架，他再也没有自由的快感了，取而代之的是狂乱失控的恐惧。

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雪橇一路下滑，拐弯，最后“砰”的一声，撞上山崖。

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乔纳思被震得离开雪橇，拋向半空中，双脚扭在一起掉落下来，他听见骨头撞裂的声音，脸则被尖锐的冰块边缘刮伤。

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终于他停下来了，惊恐地躺着，一动也不能动，除了害怕，什么都感觉不到。

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接着，第一波痛苦袭来，他喘了一口气，那痛就像有人拿一把短斧在砍他的腿，将炽热的刀刃慢慢地划入他的神经。在极大的痛楚中，他意识到什么叫做“火”，感觉火焰舔舐着他破裂的骨头和肌肉。他想要移动身体，却做不到，痛苦越来越强烈。

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他大声尖叫，却没有任何回应。

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他啜泣着转过身，在冰封的雪地上呕吐，鲜血从他脸庞上滴下，跟吐出来的东西混在一起。

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“不要！”他大声哭喊着，但是声音被空寂的大地吞没，随风飘逝。

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突然之间，他又回到安尼斯房间，整个人蜷缩在床上，脸上沾满了泪水。

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现在终于可以移动了，他将身体前后伸展，深深吸了一口气，藉以释放记忆所带来的痛苦。

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他坐起来，望着自己好端端的腿，那痛彻心扉的切割感已经远离，但是腿上、脸上依然十分刺痛。

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“我可以吃一片止痛药吗？求求你！”平常止痛药随时可得，无论是身体瘀青或受伤、手指压伤、胃痛，或从自行车上摔下来，擦破膝盖，都可以拿到一罐麻醉软膏或一片药；比较严重的，甚至可以马上打一针，把人及时从痛苦中解救出来。

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但是传授人说不行，他的眼睛望向远方。

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那天傍晚，乔纳思推着自行车，瘸着脚走回家。相比之下，晒伤的痛真的是小巫见大巫，也不会停留在身上。但是这次的疼痛一直持续着。

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它不像刚撞上山崖时那般难以忍受，乔纳思试着勇敢一点，他记得首席长老曾经称赞他很勇敢。

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“乔纳思，你怎么了？”晚餐时，爸爸问他，“今天晚上你好安静。你哪里不舒服？要不要吃药？”

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乔纳思牢记规则，跟训练有关的伤害通通不准服药，也不能跟别人谈论他的训练过程。

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到了“分享时间”，他推说自己累了，因为学校的功课非常繁重。

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他早早进了卧室，透过紧闭的房门，听见爸妈和妹妹一边帮加波洗澡，一边开心地笑着。

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他们从不知道什么是痛苦，这让他感到格外的孤独，不禁开始搓揉疼痛的双腿。最后他睡着了，一次又一次，梦见自己被孤伶伶地遗弃在山丘上。

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训练持续进行，每天都免不了痛苦。腿部骨折现在看来还算是温和的，因为在传授人的带领下，乔纳思一点一滴地进入过去更深沉、更恐怖的苦难。每一次，传授人基于不忍，都会好心地用一个充满色彩的欢乐回忆作为结束：也许是在碧绿的湖面上轻快地航行，或是一片开满黄花的草地，或是太阳下山的彩霞。

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但是这些美丽的景致并不能减轻他的痛苦。

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“为什么？”乔纳思问。他刚刚才又经历了一段磨难，没有人关心他，也没有东西吃，他那空洞、膨胀的胃部因为饥饿而剧烈地痉挛。他苦不堪言地躺在床上，“为什么你和我必须保留这些记忆？”

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“它带给我们智能。”传授人说，“没有智能，我就不能发挥功能，给长老们提供建议。”

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“但是您能从饥饿中得到什么智能？”乔纳思忿忿不平地说。虽然经历已经结束，他的胃还在阵阵抽痛。

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“许多年前，”传授人告诉他，“在你出生之前，一大堆市民向长老委员会请愿，希望能够提高出生率，而不是只生三个小宝宝，最好是指定每位孕母生四个，这样人口就会增加，也有较多的劳工可以派遣。”

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乔纳思一边听，一边点头：“听起来蛮有道理的。”

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“他们建议，有些家庭可以多容纳一名孩子。”

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乔纳思又点点头：“我家就可以。”他指出，“我们今年多了加波。有第三个孩子，很好玩儿。”

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“长老会征询我的意见，”传授人说，“他们也觉得好像行得通，但这是新措施，所以他们想借助我的智能。”

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“而你运用了你的记忆？”

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传授人承认：“最强烈的记忆来自饥饿。这要回到好几代、好几世纪以前。由于人口过多，到处都有人挨饿。大饥荒饿死了很多人，战争接着就来了。”

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战争？这是一个乔纳思从没听过的概念。但是现在他已经对饥饿很熟悉了，他下意识地摸着自己的腹部，回想起挨饿的痛苦，“所以您跟他们描述什么是饥饿？”

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“他们才不想听痛苦的经验，他们只想听建议，所以我也只是警告他们，反对增加人口。”

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“不过您说那是在我出生以前的事。他们很少来询问您的意见，除非——您是怎么说的呢？面临了前所未有的状况。上次他们来找您是什么时候呢？”

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“你记不记得有一天飞机飞过社区的上空？”

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“记得，我吓坏了。”

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“他们也一样，他们本来准备把它打下来，但征询我的意见时，我告诉他们不要急，再等等看。”

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“但是您怎么知道？您怎么知道是驾驶员迷路了？”

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“我不知道，但是我运用了从记忆中获得的智能。我知道在过去有很多次——实在是太多次了——只要是在匆忙、慌乱和恐惧中摧毁对方，就会为自己带来毁灭。”

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乔纳思有点了解了，“那就是说，”他慢慢地说，“您具有毁灭的记忆。而您也会将这个记忆传给我，这样我才能获得智能。”

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传授人点点头。

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“但过程会很痛苦。”乔纳思已经了然于胸了。

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“相当痛苦。”传授人同意道。

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“那为什么不让每个人都拥有记忆？如果由大家共同承担，每个人都分得一小部分，您和我也不用承受这么多的痛苦。”

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传授人叹了一口气：“你说得没错，”他说，“但是这么一来，每个人都会感受到痛苦，他们就是不要这样。这也是记忆传授人这么重要、地位这么崇高的真正原因。他们选上我——还有你——来为大家挑起这份重担。”

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“这是什么时候决定的？”乔纳思生气地问，“实在不公平，我们来改变它！”

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“你认为我们能怎么做？我一直想不出可行的办法，而我还号称是最有智能的人呢！”

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“现在我们是两个人啦！”乔纳思急切地说，“我们可以一起想出办法的！”

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传授人看着乔纳思，露出一丝苦笑。

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“我们何不提议修改社区的法规？”乔纳思建议。

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传授人大笑，乔纳思也不得不跟着笑。

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“这个决定，早在我和你之前很久很久的时代，就已经制定了。”传授人说，“在上一任记忆传承人以前……”他等着。

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“以前、以前、再以前。”乔纳思重复这句耳熟能详的话。

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有时候这句话很幽默，有时候却又别具意义、重要非凡。

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像现在，这句话就不是个好兆头，他知道，这意味着事情是不可能改变的。

59
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小宝宝加波渐渐长大，并且成功地通过了养育师每个月所做的发展测试。现在他可以坐起来，伸手去抓玩具，还长了六颗牙。爸爸向大家报告：加波在白天的时候也很开心，智力表现正常，只是夜间仍会吵闹，经常发出呜呜咽咽的声音，需要特别注意。

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现在加波已经不睡婴儿提篮，改睡婴儿床了。有一天，他洗完澡，抱着小河马，乖乖地躺着。爸爸说：“我额外花了这么多的时间照顾他，希望他们到最后不会解放他。”

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“也许这样最好。”妈妈说，“我知道你不介意半夜起床陪他，但是我长期睡眠不足，已经快支持不下去了。”

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“如果加波解放了，还会有其他小宝宝来我们家住吗？”

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莉莉问。她跪在婴儿床旁边对着小家伙做鬼脸，小宝宝也回她一个微笑。

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乔纳思的妈妈无奈地翻翻眼珠。

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“不可能的，”爸爸笑着说，他抚抚莉莉的头发，“很少有小宝宝发育像加波这么不稳定。可能要很久以后才会再发生类似的情形。”

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“反正，”他叹了一口气，“他们不会这么快下决定。因为最近我们正忙着准备另一桩解放工作。有个孕母怀了双胞胎，下个月就要生了。”

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“哦，亲爱的，”妈妈摇摇头说，“如果他们是同卵双胞胎，我希望你不会被指定去……”

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“就是我，名单上的下一位就是我。我必须选择一个来养育，把另一个解放掉。做决定并不难，体重是唯一的考量，体重较轻就解放。”

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乔纳思听着，突然想到那座桥，不知道河界外的远方是怎样的世界？在那里，是否有个人正等着接收这个较小的被解放的双胞胎？他在那个地方成长，会知道在这个社区有一个跟他长得几乎一模一样的人吗？

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他突然浮现一个有点愚蠢的希望，希望莱莉莎一就是那位他曾经帮她洗澡的老妇人——在远方等着接收这个小婴儿。他还记得她闪闪发亮的眼睛、轻柔的声音、低声的浅笑。

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费欧娜最近才告诉他，莱莉莎在一个很棒的解放庆祝会中离开了。

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不过他知道老人不可能再养育孩子。莱莉莎在那里的生活会跟这里的老人一样，非常安详、宁静，她不会想再养育小宝宝，白天得忙着喂食、照顾，半夜还要安抚宝宝的哭闹，多累人啊！

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“妈妈！爸爸！”他的脑海里突然出现一个点子，“今天晚上何不把加波的小床放在我房间？我知道怎么喂他、安抚他，这样您和妈妈就可以好好地睡一觉。”

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爸爸有点迟疑：“你一向睡得很沉，乔纳思，如果他吵不醒你，怎么办？”

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莉莉回答了这个问题：“如果没有人理会加波，”她指出，“他就会吵得更大声，把我们通通吵醒。”

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爸爸笑了起来：“你说得没错，莉莉小宝贝。好吧，乔纳思，今天晚上我们就先试试看吧。我不当班，也让妈妈好好睡一觉。”

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上半夜加波睡得很沉。乔纳思躺在床上睡不着，不时撑起一只手臂，俯看小床上的加波。小宝宝趴着睡，手臂放松地放在头侧，双眼闭上，呼吸平顺、规律。最后乔纳思也睡着了。

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接近午夜的时候，加波翻来覆去的声音把乔纳思吵醒了。小宝宝在被单下扭来扭去，两只手臂猛挥，开始呜呜咽咽哭起来了。

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乔纳思起身走过去，轻轻拍打加波的背。有时候，这样就可以哄他再睡。但是这会儿他依然烦躁地扭着身子。

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乔纳思继续有节奏地拍打着，同时想起传授人不久前转移给他的快乐航行记忆：天色清朗、微风拂面，他驾着白色帆船，倘佯在清澈碧绿的湖面上，乘着清风徐徐而行。

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他没有意识到自己正在转移记忆，但是突然间，记忆的影像逐渐黯淡。原来透过他的手，记忆已传给了小宝宝。加波渐渐安静下来了。乔纳思大吃一惊，赶紧运用意志力把残存的记忆拉回来。他将手从小宝宝的背上移开，静静地伫立在小床边。

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他再次回想脑海里的航行记忆。意象还在，但是天空没那么蓝了，船行的速度变慢了，湖水也变得朦朦胧胧，好像罩了一层雾。他沉浸在回忆中好一会儿，最后躺回自己的床上，不再想它。

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黎明将近时，小宝宝又哭了。乔纳思走过去，毫不迟疑地将手贴在加波背上，将剩下的湖上时光释放出来。加波再度睡着了。

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乔纳思躺下来沉思。不再拥有航行的记忆，让他有些怅然若失。他知道自己可以再向传授人要求，也许是在大海上乘风破浪，因为他拥有大海的记忆，知道大海是怎样的景致。他也知道海上有船只，只是尚未获得相关的影像。

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他不知道要不要跟传授人坦白他把一段记忆转移出去了。他自己还没有资格当传授人；加波也没有被遴选为记忆传承人。

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他很惊奇自己拥有这样的能力，他决定不告诉任何人。

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It was much the same, this memory, though the hill seemed to be a different one, steeper, and the snow was not falling as thickly as it had before.

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It was colder, also, Jonas perceived. He could see, as he sat waiting at the top of the hill, that the snow beneath the sled was not thick and soft as it had been before, but hard, and coated with bluish ice.

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The sled moved forward, and Jonas grinned with delight, looking forward to the breathtaking slide down through the invigorating air.

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But the runners, this time, couldn’t slice through the frozen expanse as they had on the other, snow-cushioned hill. They skittered sideways and the sled gathered speed. Jonas pulled at the rope, trying to steer , but the steepness and speed took control from his hands and he was no longer enjoying the feeling of freedom but instead, terrified, was at the mercy of the wild acceleration downward over the ice.

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Sideways, spinning, the sled hit a bump in the hill and Jonas was jarred loose and thrown violently into the air. He fell with his leg twisted under him, and could hear the crack of bone. His face scraped along jagged edges of ice and when he came, at last, to a stop, he lay shocked and still, feeling nothing at first but fear.

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Then, the first wave of pain. He gasped . It was as if a hatchet lay lodged in his leg, slicing through each nerve with a hot blade. In his agony he perceived the word "fire" and felt flames licking at the torn bone and flesh. He tried to move, and could not. The pain grew.

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He screamed. There was no answer.

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Sobbing , he turned his head and vomited onto the frozen snow. Blood dripped from his face into the vomit .

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"Nooooo!" he cried, and the sound disappeared into the empty landscape, into the wind.

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Then, suddenly, he was in the Annex room again, writhing on the bed. His face was wet with tears.

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Able to move now, he rocked his own body back and forth , breathing deeply to release the remembered pain.

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He sat, and looked at his own leg, where it lay straight on the bed, unbroken. The brutal slice of pain was gone. But the leg ached horribly, still, and his face felt raw.

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"May I have relief-of-pain, please?" he begged. It was always provided in his everyday life for the bruises and wounds, for a mashed finger, a stomach ache, a skinned knee from a fall from a bike. There was always a daub of anesthetic ointment

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, or a pill; or in severe instances, an injection that brought complete and instantaneous deliverance.

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But The Giver said no, and looked away.

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Limping, Jonas walked home, pushing his bicycle, that evening. The sunburn pain had been so small, in comparison, and had not stayed with him. But this ache lingered.

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It was not unendurable, as the pain on the hill had been. Jonas tried to be brave. He remembered that the Chief Elder had said he was brave.

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"Is something wrong, Jonas?" his father asked at the evening meal. "You’re so quiet tonight. Aren’t you feeling well? Would you like some medication?"

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But Jonas remembered the rules. No medication for anything related to his training.

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And no discussion of his training. At the time for sharing-of-feelings, he simply said that he felt tired, that his school lessons had been unusually demanding that day.

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He went to his sleeping room early, and from behind the closed door he could hear his parents and sister laughing as they gave Gabriel his evening bath.

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They have never known pain, he thought. The realization made him feel desperately lonely, and he rubbed his throbbing leg. He eventually slept. Again and again he dreamed of the anguish and the isolation on the forsaken hill.

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The daily training continued, and now it always included pain. The agony of the fractured leg began to seem no more than a mild discomfort as The Giver led Jonas firmly, little by little, into the deep and terrible suffering of the past. Each time, in his kindness, The Giver ended the afternoon with a color-filled memory of pleasure: a brisk sail on a blue-green lake; a meadow dotted with yellow wildflowers; an orange sunset behind mountains.

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It was not enough to assuage the pain that Jonas was beginning, now, to know.

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"Why?" Jonas asked him after he had received a torturous memory in which he had been neglected and unfed; the hunger had caused excruciating spasms in his empty, distended stomach. He lay on the bed, aching. "Why do you and I have to hold these memories?"

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"It gives us wisdom," The Giver replied. "Without wisdom I could not fulfill my function of advising the Committee of Elders when they call upon me."

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"But what wisdom do you get from hunger?" Jonas groaned . His stomach still hurt, though the memory had ended.

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"Some years ago," The Giver told him, "before your birth, a lot of citizens petitioned the Committee of Elders. They wanted to increase the rate of births. They wanted each Birthmother to be assigned four births instead of three, so that the population would increase and there would be more Laborers available."

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Jonas nodded, listening. "That makes sense."

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"The idea was that certain family units could accommodate an additional child."

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Jonas nodded again. "Mine could," he pointed out. "We have Gabriel this year, and it’s fun, having a third child."

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"The Committee of Elders sought my advice," The Giver said. "It made sense to them, too, but it was a new idea, and they came to me for wisdom."

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"And you used your memories?"

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The Giver said yes. "And the strongest memory that came was hunger. It came from many generations back. Centuries back. The population had gotten so big that hunger was everywhere. Excruciating hunger and starvation. It was followed by warfare ."

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Warfare? It was a concept Jonas did not know. But hunger was familiar to him now. Unconsciously he rubbed his own abdomen , recalling the pain of its unfulfilled needs. "So you described that to them?"

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"They don’t want to hear about pain. They just seek the advice. I simply advised them against increasing the population."

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"But you said that that was before my birth. They hardly ever come to you for advice. Only when they — what was it you said? When they have a problem they’ve never faced before. When did it happen last?"

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"Do you remember the day when the plane flew over the community?"

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"Yes. I was scared."

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"So were they. They prepared to shoot it down. But they sought my advice. I told them to wait."

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"But how did you know? How did you know the pilot was lost?"

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"I didn’t. I used my wisdom, from the memories. I knew that there had been times in the past — terrible times — when people had destroyed others in haste, in fear, and had brought about their own destruction."

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Jonas realized something. "That means," he said slowly, "that you have memories of destruction. And you have to give them to me, too, because I have to get the wisdom."

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The Giver nodded.

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"But it will hurt," Jonas said. It wasn’t a question.

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"It will hurt terribly," The Giver agreed.

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"But why can’t everyone have the memories? I think it would seem a little easier if the memories were shared. You and I wouldn’t have to bear so much by ourselves, if everybody took a part."

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The Giver sighed. "You’re right," he said. "But then everyone would be burdened and pained. They don’t want that. And that’s the real reason The Receiver is so vital to them, and so honored. They selected me — and you — to lift that burden from themselves."

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"When did they decide that?" Jonas asked angrily. "It wasn’t fair. Let’s change it!"

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"How do you suggest we do that? I’ve never been able to think of a way, and I’m supposed to be the one with all the wisdom."

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"But there are two of us now," Jonas said eagerly. "Together we can think of something!"

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The Giver watched him with a wry smile.

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"Why can’t we just apply for a change of rules?" Jonas suggested.

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The Giver laughed; then Jonas, too, chuckled reluctantly.

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"The decision was made long before my time or yours," The Giver said, "and before the previous Receiver, and — " He waited.

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"Back and back and back." Jonas repeated the familiar phrase. Sometimes it had seemed humorous to him. Sometimes it had seemed meaningful and important.

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Now it was ominous . It meant, he knew, that nothing could be changed.

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The new child Gabriel, was growing, and successfully passed the tests of maturity that the Nurturers gave each month; he could sit alone, now, could reach for and grasp small play objects, and he had six teeth. During the day-time hours, Father reported, he was cheerful and seemed of normal intelligence. But he remained fretful at night, whimpering often, needing frequent attention.

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"After all this extra time I’ve put in with him," Father said one evening after Gabriel had been bathed and was lying, for the moment, hugging his hippo placidly in the small crib that had replaced the basket, "I hope they’re not going to decide to release him."

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"Maybe it would be for the best," Mother suggested. "I know you don’t mind getting up with him at night. But the lack of sleep is awfully hard for me."

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"If they release Gabriel, can we get another new child as a visitor?" asked Lily. She was kneeling beside the crib, making funny faces at the little one, who was smiling back at her.

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Jonas’s mother rolled her eyes in dismay.

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"No," Father said, smiling. He ruffled Lily’s hair. "It’s very rare, anyway, that a new child status is as uncertain as Gabriel’s. It probably won’t happen again, for a long time.

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"Anyway," he sighed, "they won’t make the decision for a while. Right now we’re all preparing for a release we’ll probably have to make very soon. There’s a Birth-mother who’s expecting twin males next month."

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"Oh, dear," Mother said, shaking her head. "If they’re identical, I hope you’re not the one assigned — "

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"I am. I’m next on the list. I’ll have to select the one to be nurtured , and the one to be released. It’s usually not hard, though. Usually it’s just a matter of birth weight. We release the smaller of the two."

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Jonas, listening, thought suddenly about the bridge and how, standing there, he had wondered what lay Elsewhere.

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Was there someone there, waiting, who would receive the tiny released twin? Would it grow up Elsewhere, not knowing, ever, that in this community lived a being who looked exactly the same?

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For a moment he felt a tiny, fluttering hope that he knew was quite foolish. He hoped that it would be Larissa, waiting. Larissa, the old woman he had bathed. He remembered her sparkling eyes, her soft voice, her low chuckle . Fiona had told him recently that Larissa had been released at a wonderful ceremony.

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But he knew that the Old were not given children to raise. Larissa’s life Elsewhere would be quiet and serene as befit the Old; she would not welcome the responsibility of nurturing a new child who needed feeding and care, and would likely cry at night.

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"Mother? Father?" he said, the idea coming to him unexpectedly, "why don’t we put Gabriel’s crib in my room tonight? I know how to feed and comfort him, and it would let you and Father get some sleep."

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Father looked doubtful. "You sleep so soundly, Jonas. What if his restlessness didn’t wake you?"

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It was Lily who answered that. "If no one goes to tend Gabriel," she pointed out, "he gets very loud. He’d wake all of us, if Jonas slept through it."

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Father laughed. "You’re right, Lily-billy. All right, Jonas, let’s try it, just for tonight. I’ll take the night off and we’ll let Mother get some sleep, too."

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Gabriel slept soundly for the earliest part of the night. Jonas, in his bed, lay awake for a while; from time to time he raised himself on one elbow, looking over at the crib.

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The new child was on his stomach, his arms relaxed beside his head, his eyes closed, and his breathing regular and undisturbed. Finally Jonas slept too.

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Then, as the middle hours of the night approached, the noise of Gabe’s restlessness woke Jonas. The new child was turning under his cover, flailing his arms, and beginning to whimper.

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Jonas rose and went to him. Gently he patted Gabriel’s back. Sometimes that was all it took to lull him back to sleep. But the new child still squirmed fretfully under his hand.

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Still patting rhythmically , Jonas began to remember the wonderful sail that The Giver had given him not long before: a bright, breezy day on a clear turquoise lake, and above him the white sail of the boat billowing as he moved along in the brisk wind.

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He was not aware of giving the memory; but suddenly he realized that it was becoming dimmer, that it was sliding through his hand into the being of the new child Gabriel became quiet. Startled, Jonas pulled back what was left of the memory with a burst of will. He removed his hand from the little back and stood quietly beside the crib.

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To himself, he called the memory of the sail forward again. It was still there, but the sky was less blue, the gentle motion of the boat slower, the water of the lake more murky and clouded. He kept it for a while, soothing his own nervousness at what had occurred, then let it go and returned to his bed.

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Once more, toward dawn, the new child woke and cried out. Again Jonas went to him. This time he quite deliberately placed his hand firmly on Gabriel’s back, and released the rest of the calming day on the lake. Again Gabriel slept.

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But now Jonas lay awake, thinking. He no longer had any more than a wisp of the memory, and he felt a small lack where it had been. He could ask The Giver for another sail, he knew. A sail perhaps on ocean, next time, for Jonas had a memory of ocean, now, and knew what it was; he knew that there were sailboats there, too, in memories yet to be acquired.

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He wondered, though, if he should confess to The Giver that he had given a memory away. He was not yet qualified to be a Giver himself; nor had Gabriel been selected to be a Receiver.

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That he had this power frightened him. He decided not to tell.

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