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记忆传授人|The Giver

第十八章 记忆回流|Chapter 18

属类： 双语小说 【分类】魔幻小说 阅读：[9936]
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“传授人，”第二天下午，乔纳思问，“您有没有想过解放的事？”

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“你是指我自己的解放，或是解放这个主题？”

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“我想两者都有吧！很抱歉，我应该说得更清楚一点，不过我不知道该怎么说。”

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“坐起来，谈话时你用不着躺着。”乔纳思已经四平八稳地躺在床上，听到这话，马上坐起来。

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“我承认我有时会想到这件事。”传授人说，“每次遭受巨大的痛苦时，就会想到解放，也曾兴起申请解放的念头。

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不过，新的记忆传承人还没训练完毕，我不能这么做。”

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“就是我喽！”乔纳思沮丧地说。他一点也不希望训练结束，成为新的记忆传授人。他很清楚未来除了虚幻的荣耀，将会多么艰辛、孤独。

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“我也不能申请解放，”乔纳思指出，“给我的规则里写得很清楚。”

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传授人苦笑：“我知道，十年前的失败，他们才想出这条预防措施。”

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乔纳思再度听到十年前的失败，但直到现在他还不知道十年前究竟发生了什么事。“传授人，”他说，“请告诉我发生了什么事好吗？”

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传授人耸耸肩：“表面上很单纯，一位未来的记忆传承人被选上了，过程就跟选你一样，并在典礼中公布遴选结果。观众欢呼喝彩，就跟为你欢呼一样。这位新的记忆传承人又迷惘又有点害怕，也跟你一样。”

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“我的父母说她是一个女孩儿。”

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传授人点点头。

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乔纳思想起他最喜欢的女孩费欧娜，不禁打了个寒战。

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他不希望费欧娜去承受这种苦，承接记忆的痛苦。“她是怎样的人？”他问传授人。

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传授人悲伤地回想着往事：“她是一位非常出色的年轻人，冷静、沉着、聪明、好学。”他摇摇头，深深地吸了一口气，“你也知道，乔纳思，当她来到这个房间，开始接受训练……”

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乔纳思打断他的话，问：“可以告诉我她叫什么吗？我父母说社区里禁止提她的名字。您可以只跟我说吗？”

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传授人面有难色地迟疑着，好像说出这个名字会引起他极大的痛苦。最后，他还是说了：“她叫萝丝玛丽。”

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“萝丝玛丽，我喜欢这个名字。”

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传授人继续说：“她第一天来找我的时候，就坐在你第一天来坐的位子。她渴望学习，既兴奋又有点儿忐忑。我不断地跟她谈话，尽可能把事情解释清楚。”

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“就跟你对待我一样。”

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传授人悲伤地微笑：“要解释清楚并不容易，因为它超越了我们的体验范围。但我尽力而为。我记得她听得很仔细，眼睛闪闪发亮。”

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他突然抬起头来：“乔纳思，我曾将自己最喜欢的记忆转移给你，自己只留着一些小片断。还记得里面的房间、家庭和祖父母吗？”

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乔纳思点点头，他当然记得：“这段记忆蕴涵一种很美妙的感觉，您说那是爱。”

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“那你可以了解我对萝丝玛丽的感觉。”传授人说，“我爱她。”

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“我对你也有同样的感觉。”他补充说。

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“她后来怎么了？”乔纳思问。

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“她开始受训了，跟你一样，接收的成效很好。她兴致很高，非常喜悦地去体验这些新事物……我还记得她的笑声……”

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他的声音开始颤抖，最后小到听不见。

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“发生什么事了？”过了一会儿，乔纳思又问，“请告诉我好吗？”

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传授人闭上眼睛：“将痛苦转移给她，真是让我心碎，乔纳思。但是我必须这样做，就像我跟你一起做的一样，这是我的工作。”

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房里静悄悄的，乔纳思耐心等着。停了好一会儿，传授人才继续说下去。

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“五个星期而已，我给她骑旋转木马、逗小猫咪玩、野餐等快乐的记忆。有时候我会故意选个能让她发笑的记忆，因为这个房间太安静了，她的笑声弥足珍贵。

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“但是她跟你一样，乔纳思。她想要经历所有的事物。她知道这是她的责任，所以跟我要求较难承受的记忆。”

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乔纳思屏住呼吸：“你没给她战争的体验吧？才五个星期。”

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传授人摇摇头，叹了一口气。“没有，我没有让她体会肉体上的折磨，但是我让她体验孤寂、迷失等精神上的痛苦。我将一个小孩被带离父母身边的记忆传给她，那是第一个痛苦的记忆。结束的时候，她整个人都吓呆了。”

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乔纳思咽了一下口水，对萝丝玛丽和她的笑声也有了具体的形象。他可以想象她从床上抬起头，一脸惊恐的模样。

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传授人继续说：“我之后再给她一些喜悦的经历。但是自从她了解什么是痛苦后，一切就都改观了。我可以从她的眼神看出来。”

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“她不够勇敢吗？”乔纳思试探地问。

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传授人没有正面回答：“她坚持要我继续下去，说我不可以宠坏她，说那是她的义务。当然，我也知道她是对的。”

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“我不忍心将肉体的痛苦加在她身上，但我让她感受贫穷、饥饿、恐惧等精神上的痛苦。我必须这样做，乔纳思。

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这是我的工作，而且她已经被选上了。”传授人以恳求谅解的眼光看着他。乔纳思轻抚他的手。

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“一天下午，我们结束当天的训练——那是一段很艰苦的记忆时——我用了跟对待你一样的方法，传送一些快乐、欢欣的回忆。但是欢笑时光已然远离。她非常安静地站起身，皱着眉头，好像正在下什么决定。然后她走向我，双手环抱住我，亲亲我的脸颊。”传授人拍拍自己的脸颊，似乎回想起十年前萝丝玛丽轻轻的一吻。

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“那天她离开这里，离开这个房间，却没有回到住处。广播人员通知我，她直接跑去找首席长老，要求解放。”

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“但那是违反规定的！受训的记忆传承人不可以申请解……”

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“乔纳思，只有给你的规定才提到这一点，给她的可没有。她要求解放，他们一定得答应。从此我没再见过她。”

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乔纳思这才明白，原来当年的失败是这么一回事。很显然的，这件事对传授人的打击非常大。不过，看起来并不怎么可怕啊。自己是绝对不会这么做的，无论未来的训练有多难，他都不会要求解放的。传授人需要一名继承人，而他已经被选上了。

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乔纳思突然想到一件事，萝丝玛丽在受训没多久就解放了。如果他发生了什么意外，又会怎么样呢？他已经接受了一整年的记忆了。

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“传授人，”他问，“我不能要求解放，但是如果我发生了什么意外，比方如果我也跌到河里去，跟四岁的小凯尔博一样呢？当然，这不是个好比喻，因为我是个游泳好手。但是如果我不会游泳，又跌到河里不见了呢？那就没有新的记忆传承人了，而你又已经把一大堆很重要的记忆都传给我了，即使他们重新选一位记忆传承人，只靠你留下的那少许记忆够吗？如果……”

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说着他突然笑了起来：“我怎么讲起话来跟莉莉一样。”

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传授人严肃地凝视着他：“离河流远一点，朋友。”他说，“我们在转移记忆五星期后，失去了萝丝玛丽，造成了社区的大灾难。如果这时失去你，我不知道我们社区要怎么办？”

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“为什么会是大灾难？”

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“我跟你提过。”传授人提醒他，“她走了以后，记忆回流到人们身上。如果你掉到河里不见了，乔纳思，你的记忆不会跟着你消失，记忆是永恒存在的。

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萝丝玛丽只保有五星期的记忆，而且大部分都是很美好的记忆，可是她却被少部分的恐怖记忆击倒了，我们社区也差点被打垮，因为那些感觉是大家从未经历过的！

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当时我完全笼罩在失去她的伤痛、失败以及愤怒的情绪中，甚至没有试着去协助大家度过难关。”

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传授人沉思了一会儿，最后说：“你也知道，如果他们现在失去你，所有你接收到的记忆，都会回到大家的身上。”

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乔纳思做个鬼脸：“大家一定恨死这样的事情发生。”

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“这是一定的，大家不知道该怎么对付。”

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“我也是因为有您在一旁协助，才知道怎么处理的呀。”

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乔纳思指出这一点。

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传授人点点头，缓缓地说：“假设我可以……”

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“你可以怎样？”

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传授人仍在沉思中，过了半晌才说：“如果你在河里溺毙了，我想我可以用帮助你的方式，来帮助整个社区。这是一个很有趣的概念，我必须再多想想，哪天我们再详谈，现在先打住。

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我很高兴你是个游泳好手，乔纳思，不过还是离河远一点。”

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他笑了一下，但是笑声并不轻快。他的心思好像已经飘到远方，眼神充满忧虑。

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"Giver," Jonas asked the next afternoon, "Do you ever think about release?"

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"Do you mean my own release, or just the general topic of release?"

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"Both, I guess. I apologi — I mean I should have been more precise. But I don’t know exactly what I meant."

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"Sit back up. No need to lie down while we’re talking." Jonas, who had already been stretched out on the bed when the question came to his mind, sat back up.

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"I guess I do think about it occasionally," The Giver said. "I think about my own release when I’m in an awful lot of pain. I wish I could put in a request for it, sometimes. But I’m not permitted to do that until the new Receiver is trained."

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"Me," Jonas said in a dejected voice. He was not looking forward to the end of the training, when he would become the new Receiver. It was clear to him what a terribly difficult and lonely life it was, despite the honor.

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"I can’t request release either," Jonas pointed out. "It was in my rules."

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The Giver laughed harshly. "I know that. They hammered out those rules after the failure ten years ago."

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Jonas had heard again and again now, reference to the previous failure. But he still did not know what had happened ten years before. "Giver," he said, "tell me what happened. Please."

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The Giver shrugged . "On the surface, it was quite simple. A Receiver-to-be was selected, the way you were. The selection went smoothly enough. The Ceremony was held, and the selection was made. The crowd cheered, as they did for you. The new Receiver was puzzled and a little frightened, as you were."

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"My parents told me it was a female."

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The Giver nodded.

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Jonas thought of his favorite female, Fiona, and shivered. He wouldn’t want his gentle friend to suffer the way he had, taking on the memories. "What was she like?" he asked The Giver.

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The Giver looked sad, thinking about it. "She was a remarkable young woman. Very self-possessed and serene . Intelligent, eager to learn." He shook his head and drew a deep breath. "You know, Jonas, when she came to me in this room, when she presented herself to begin her training — "

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Jonas interrupted him with a question. "Can you tell me her name? My parents said that it wasn’t to be spoken again in the community. But couldn’t you say it just to me?"

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The Giver hesitated painfully, as if saying the name aloud might be excruciating. "Her name was Rosemary," he told Jonas, finally.

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"Rosemary. I like that name."

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The Giver went on. "When she came to me for the first time, she sat there in the chair where you sat on your first day. She was eager and excited and a little scared. We talked. I tried to explain things as well as I could."

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"The way you did to me."

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The Giver chuckled ruefully. "The explanations are difficult. The whole thing is so beyond one’s experience. But I tried. And she listened carefully. Her eyes were very luminous , I remember."

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He looked up suddenly. "Jonas, I gave you a memory that I told you was my favorite. I still have a shred of it left. The room, with the family, and grandparents?"

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Jonas nodded. Of course he remembered. "Yes," he said. "It had that wonderful feeling with it. You told me it was love."

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"You can understand, then, that that’s what I felt for Rosemary," The Giver explained. "I loved her.

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"I feel it for you, too," he added.

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"What happened to her?" Jonas asked.

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"Her training began. She received well, as you do. She was so enthusiastic. So delighted to experience new things. I remember her laughter..."

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His voice faltered and trailed off.

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"What happened?" Jonas asked again, after a moment. "Please tell me."

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The Giver closed his eyes. "It broke my heart, Jonas, to transfer pain to her. But it was my job. It was what I had to do, the way I’ve had to do it to you."

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The room was silent. Jonas waited. Finally The Giver continued.

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"Five weeks. That was all. I gave her happy memories: a ride on a merry-go-round; a kitten to play with; a picnic. Sometimes I chose one just because I knew it would make her laugh, and I so treasured the sound of that laughter in this room that had always been so silent.

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"But she was like you, Jonas. She wanted to experience everything. She knew that it was her responsibility. And so she asked me for more difficult memories."

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Jonas held his breath for a moment. "You didn’t give her war, did you? Not after just five weeks?"

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The Giver shook his head and sighed. "No. And I didn’t give her physical pain. But I gave her loneliness. And I gave her loss. I transferred a memory of a child taken from its parents. That was the first one. She appeared stunned at its end."

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Jonas swallowed. Rosemary, and her laughter, had begun to seem real to him, and he pictured her looking up from the bed of memories, shocked.

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The Giver continued. "I backed off, gave her more little delights. But everything changed, once she knew about pain. I could see it in her eyes."

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"She wasn’t brave enough?" Jonas suggested.

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The Giver didn’t respond to the question. "She insisted that I continue, that I not spare her. She said it was her duty. And I knew, of course, that she was correct.

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"I couldn’t bring myself to inflict physical pain on her. But I gave her anguish of many kinds. Poverty, and hunger, and terror.

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"I had to, Jonas. It was my job. And she had been chosen." The Giver looked at him imploringly . Jonas stroked his hand.

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"It’s in your rules, Jonas. But it wasn’t in hers. She asked for release, and they had to give it to her. I never saw her again."

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So that was the failure, Jonas thought. It was obvious that it saddened The Giver very deeply. But it didn’t seem such a terrible thing, after all. And he, Jonas, would never have done it — never have requested release, no matter how difficult his training became. The Giver needed a successor, and he had been chosen.

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