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相约星期二|Tuesdays with Morrie

The First Tuesday We Talk About the World

属类: 双语小说 【分类】世界名著 -[作者: 米奇-艾尔邦] 阅读:[11584]
Taking Attendance
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康尼替我开了门。坐着轮椅的莫里正在厨房的餐桌旁,他穿一件宽松的全棉衬衣和一条更为肥大的黑色运动裤。衣服显得宽松是因为他的腿已经萎缩得脱了形--用两只手围住他的大腿部分已经绰绰有余。他站立起来的话,身高不会超过五英尺,也许六年级学生的牛仔裤他都能穿。

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"我给你带来一些东西,"我说着递给他一只包装纸袋,我从机场来这儿的路上去附近的一家超市买了火鸡、土豆色拉、通心面色拉和硬面包圈。我知道他家里有许多食品,我只是想有所表示。我在其它方面一点也帮不了他。我还记得他对吃的爱好。

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"哈,这么多吃的!"他高兴地叫道。"行,现在你得和我一起吃。"

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我们坐在厨房餐桌旁,桌子四周放着柳条编制的椅子。这一次,我们不再需要弥补中断了十六年的信息,很快就转入了彼此都熟悉的大学时的谈话轨道。莫里提问题,然后听我回答。有时他会打断我,像厨师一样撒上一点我忘记了的或还没有领悟的佐料。他问起了报业的罢工,他始终无法理解双方为什么就不能靠开诚布公的对话来解决问题。我告诉他说,不是每个人都像他那么明智的。

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他有时要停下来上厕所,这得花上些时间。康尼把他推到卫生间,然后抱他离开轮椅并在他小便时扶住他。他每次回来都显得非常疲乏。

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"还记得我对特德•科佩尔说过的话吗,用不了多久就得有人替我擦屁股了?"他说。

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我笑了。那样的时刻你是不会忘记的。

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"唔,我想这一天就快来了。它令我很烦恼。"

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为什么?

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"因为这是失去自理能力的最后界限:得有人替我擦屁股,但我在努力适应它。我会尽力去享受这个过程。"

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享受?

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"是的。不管怎么说,我又要当一回婴儿了。"

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这想法真与众不同。

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"是啊,我现在必须与众不同地去看待人生。要能面对它。我不能去购物,不能料理银行的帐户,不能倒垃圾。但我仍可以坐在这儿注视那些我认为是人生重大的事情。我有时间--也有理由--去那么做。"

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这么说来,我既带着幽默又有些尖刻他说,我想,要找到人生意义的关键就在于不倒垃圾。

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他大笑起来,于是我也释然了。

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等康尼把盘子端走后,我注意到了一叠报纸,显然他在我到来之前读过它们。

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你还在关心时事?我问。

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"是的,"莫里说。"你觉得奇怪吗?你认为一个快要死的人就不必再去关心发生在这个世界上的事了?"

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也许。

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他叹了口气,"也许你是对的。也许我是不该去关心它们了。毕竟我活不到那个时候了。

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"但这又很难解释得清,米奇。正因为我在遭受痛苦,我就更容易想到那些比我还要痛苦的人。那天晚上,我在电视上看见波斯尼亚那儿的人在大街上奔逃,被枪打死,都是些无辜的受害者……我不禁哭了。我感受到了他们的痛苦,就像感受自己的一样。我并不认识他们当中的任何人,可是--该怎么说呢?--我非常……同情他们。"

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他的眼睛湿润了。我想换一个话题,但他轻轻地拭了一下眼睛,挥手阻止了我的念头。

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"我现在老是哭,"他说。"没事的。"

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真不可思议,我暗自在想。我在新闻媒体工作。我报道过死人的消息。我也采访过那些不幸的家庭。我甚至还参加过葬礼。我从没哭过。可莫里却会为半个地球之外的人流泪。是不是人之将死都会这样,我问自己。也许死亡是一种强大的催化剂,它令互不相识的人也会彼此报以同情的泪水。

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莫里对着手纸大声干咳起来。"你不会觉得奇怪吧,男人也流泪?"

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当然,我脱口而出。

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他咧嘴笑了。"嘿,米奇,说话别有顾忌,有那么一天,我会让你感到流泪并不是一件难堪的事。"

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是啊,是啊,我说。

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"是啊,是啊,"他说。

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我们都笑了,因为他二十年前就这么说过。大都在星期二说。实际上,星期二一直是我们的聚会日。莫里的课大部分在星期二上,我写毕业论文时他把辅导时间也定在星期二--从一开始这就是莫里的主意--我们总是在星期二坐到一块,或在办公桌前,或在餐厅里,或在皮尔曼楼的台阶上,讨论论文的进展。

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所以,重新相约在星期二看来是最合适的,就约在这幢外面栽有日本槭树的房子里。我准备走的时候跟莫里提了这个想法。

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"我们是星期二人,"他说。

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星期二人。我重复着他的话。

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莫里笑了。

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"米奇,你问及了关心别人的问题。我可以把患病以后最大的体会告诉你吗?"

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是什么?

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"人生最重要的是学会如何施爱于人,并去接受爱。"

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他压低了嗓音说,"去接受爱。我们一直认为我们不应该去接受它,如果我们接受了它,我们就不够坚强了。但有一位名叫莱文的智者却不这么看。他说"爱是唯一的理性行为"。

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他一字一句地又重复了一遍,"’爱是唯一的理性行为’。"

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我像个好学生那样点了点头,他很虚弱地喘着气。我探过身去拥抱了他。接着,我吻了他的脸颊。我感觉到了他无力的手按着我的臂膀,细细的胡子茬儿碰触在我的脸上。

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"那你下个星期二来?"他低声问。

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他走进教室,坐了下来,没说一句话,他望着我们,我们也望着他。起初还有笑声,可莫里只是耸耸肩。最后教室里死寂一片,我们开始注意到一些细微的声响:屋子中央的热水汀发着咝咝声,一个胖家伙呼哧呼哧喘着气。

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有人狂躁不安起来:他准备等到什么时候才开口,我们在椅子上坐不住了,不时地看手表。有几个学生转向窗外,显得毫不在意。就这么整整过了十五分钟,莫里才低声地打破了沉寂。

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"这里发生了什么?"他问。

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大家渐渐地讨论起来--正如莫里所期望的--讨论了沉寂对人与人的关系的影响。沉寂为什么会使我们感到局促不安;而各种各样的响声又能得到什么有益的效果?

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沉寂并没有让我感到不安。尽管我也会和朋友们嘻嘻哈哈互相嬉闹,可我不习惯在别人面前谈论自己的感情--尤其在同学面前。我可以静静地坐上几个小时,如果课堂是这么要求的话。

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离开教室时,莫里喊住了我。"你今天没有发言,"他说。

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我不知道。我没有什么可说的。

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"我觉得你有许多想法。米奇,你使我想起了另一个人,他年轻时也喜欢把什么都藏在肚子里。"

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I flew to London a few weeks later. I was covering Wimbledon, the world’s premier tennis competition and one of the few events I go to where the crowd never boos and no one is drunk in the parking lot. England was warm and cloudy, and each morning I walked the treelined streets near the tennis courts, passing teenagers cued up for leftover tickets and vendors selling strawberries and cream. Outside the gate was a newsstand that sold a halfdozen colorful British tabloids, featuring photos of topless women, paparazzi pictures of the royal family, horoscopes, sports, lottery contests, and a wee bit of actual news. Their top headline of the day was written on a small chalkboard that leaned against the latest stack of papers, and usually read something like DIANA IN ROW WITH CHARLES! or GAZZA TO TEAM: GIVE ME MILLIONS!

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People scooped up these tabloids, devoured their gossip, and on previous trips to England, I had always done the same. But now, for some reason, I found myself thinking about Morrie whenever I read anything silly or mindless. I kept picturing him there, in the house with the Japanese maple and the hardwood floors, counting his breath, squeezing out every moment with his loved ones, while I spent so many hours on things that meant absolutely nothing to me personally: movie stars, supermodels, the latest noise out of Princess Di or Madonna or John F. Kennedy, Jr. In a strange way, I envied the quality of Morrie’s time even as I lamented its diminishing supply. Why did we, bother with all the distractions we did? Back home, the O. J. Simpson trial was in full swing, and there were people who surrendered their entire lunch hours watching it, then taped the rest so they could watch more at night. They didn’t know O. J. Simpson. They didn’t know anyone involved in the case. Yet they gave up days and weeks of their lives, addicted to someone else’s drama.

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I remembered what Morrie said during our visit: "The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn’t work, don’t buy it."

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Morrie, true to these words, had developed his own culture-long before he got sick. Discussion groups, walks with friends, dancing to his music in the Harvard Square church. He started a project called Greenhouse, where poor people could receive mental health services. He read books to find new ideas for his classes, visited with colleagues, kept up with old students, wrote letters to distant friends. He took more time eating and looking at nature and wasted no time in front of TV sitcoms or "Movies of the Week." He had created a cocoon of human activities-conversation, interaction, affection-and it filled his life like an overflowing soup bowl.

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I had also developed my own culture. Work. I did four or five media jobs in England, juggling them like a clown. I spent eight hours a day on a computer, feeding my stories back to the States. Then I did TV pieces, traveling with a crew throughout parts of London. I also phoned in radio reports every morning and afternoon. This was not an abnormal load. Over the years, I had taken labor as my companion and had moved everything else to the side.

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In Wimbledon; I ate meals at my little wooden work cubicle and thought nothing of it. On one particularly crazy day, a crush of reporters had tried to chase down Andre Agassi and his famous girlfriend, Brooke Shields, and I had gotten knocked over by a British photographer who barely muttered "Sorry" before sweeping past, his huge metal lenses strapped around his neck. I thought of something else Morrie had told me: "So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

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I knew he was right.

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Not that I did anything about it.

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At the end of the tournament-and the countless cups of coffee I drank to get through it-I closed my computer, cleaned out my cubicle, and went back to the apartment to pack. It was late. The TV was nothing but fuzz.

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I flew to Detroit, arrived late in the afternoon, dragged myself home and went to sleep. I awoke to a jolting piece of news: the unions at my newspaper had gone on strike. The place was shut down. There were picketers at the front entrance and marchers chanting up and down the street. As a member of the union, I had no choice: I was suddenly, and for the first time in my life, out of a job, out of a paycheck, and pitted against my employers. Union leaders called my home and warned me against any contact with my former editors, many of whom were my friends, telling me to hang up if they tried to call and plead their case.

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"We’re going to fight until we win!" the union leaders swore, sounding like soldiers.

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I felt confused and depressed. Although the TV and radio work were nice supplements, the newspaper had been my lifeline, my oxygen; when I saw my stories in print in each morning, I knew that, in at least one way, I was alive.

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Now it was gone. And as the strike continued-the first day, the second day, the third day-there were worried phone calls and rumors that this could go on for months. Everything I had known was upside down. There were sporting events each night that I would have gone to cover. Instead, I stayed home, watched them on TV. I had grown used to thinking readers somehow needed my column. I was stunned at how easily things went on without me.

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After a week of this, I picked up the phone and dialed Morrie’s number. Connie brought him to the phone. "You’re coming to visit me," he said, less a question than a statement.

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Well. Could I?

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"How about Tuesday?"

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Tuesday would be good, I said. Tuesday would be fine.

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In my sophomore year, I take two more of his courses. We go beyond the classroom, meeting now and then just to talk. I have never done this before with an adult who was not a relative, yet I feel comfortable doing it with Morrie, and he seems comfortable making the time.

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"Where shall we visit today?" he asks cheerily when I enter his office.

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In the spring, we sit under a tree outside the sociology building, and in the winter, we sit by his desk, me in my gray sweatshirts and Adidas sneakers, Morrie in Rockport shoes and corduroy pants. Each time we talk, lie listens to me ramble, then he tries to pass on some sort of life lesson. He warns me that money is not the most important thing, contrary to the popular view on campus. He tells me I need to be "fully human." He speaks of the alienation of youth and the need for "connectedness" with the society around me. Some of these things I understand, some I do not. It makes no difference. The discussions give me an excuse to talk to him, fatherly conversations I cannot have with my own father, who would like me to be a lawyer.

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Morrie hates lawyers.

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"What do you want to do when you get out of college?" he asks.

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I want to be a musician, I say. Piano player. "Wonderful," he says. "But that’s a hard life." Yeah.

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"A lot of sharks." That’s what I hear.

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"Still," he says, "if you really want it, then you’ll make your dream happen. "

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I want to hug him, to thank him for saying that, but I am not that open. I only nod instead.

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"I’ll bet you play piano with a lot of pep," he says. I laugh. Pep?

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He laughs back. "Pep. What’s the matter? They don’t say that anymore?"

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