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相约星期二|Tuesdays with Morrie

The Thirteenth Tuesday We Talk About the Perfect Day

属类： 双语小说 【分类】世界名著 -[作者: 米奇-艾尔邦] 阅读：[11596]
The Twelfth Tuesday We Talk About Forgiveness
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莫里死后想火化。他把这个想法告诉了夏洛特，他们都认为这样做最妥善。布兰代斯大学的拉比①，阿尔•阿克塞尔拉德--莫里的老朋友，他们请他来主持葬礼--来看莫里，莫里把火化的想法告诉了他。

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①指犹太教主持仪式的神职人员。

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"阿尔？"

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"千万别把我烧过了头。"

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拉比听了直发愣。可莫里现在老拿自己的身体开玩笑，越接近生命的终结，他越把自己的身体看作是个壳，仅仅是一具装有灵魂的外壳。它渐渐地枯萎成一堆毫无用处的皮肤和骨头，然后便可毫不费力地化去。

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"我们很害怕看见死亡，"我坐下后莫里对我说。我扶正他衣领上的话筒，可它还是不停地滑落下来。莫里又咳嗽起来。他现在不停地咳。

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"我那天看了一本书。里面说有个人在医院里死去时，他们立即用被单盖住他的头，把尸体推人了倾卸槽。他们迫不及待地要让它从面前消失，好像死亡会传染开似的。"

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我还摆弄话筒。莫里看了一眼我的手。

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"它不会传染的，这你知道。死亡跟生命一样自然。它是我们生活的一部分。"

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他又咳了。我退后去看着他，随时做好应急的准备。莫里近来晚上的情形也不妙。那些夜晚真叫人提心吊胆。他睡不上几个小时就会被剧烈的咳嗽弄醒。护士们跑进卧室，捶打他的后背，想办法挤出他肺部的毒素，即使他们使他呼吸变正常了--"正常"是指依靠氧气机的帮助--这一折腾也会使他第二天疲惫不堪。

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氧气管现在插进了他的鼻子。我讨厌看到那玩艺。在我看来，它代表着彻底的无望。我真想把它拔出来。

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"昨天晚上……"莫里轻声说。

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昨天晚上怎么啦？

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"……我发作得很厉害。它持续了好几个小时，我真不知道能不能挺过来。不能呼吸。胸口一直堵着。有一段时间我快要晕厥过去了……然后又有了某种宁静的感觉，我感到我已经准备好了。"

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他眼睛睁开了。"米奇，那是一种最不可思议的感觉。一种既无奈又平静的感觉。我想到了上个星期做过的一个梦：我走过一座桥，进入了一个陌生的地方。我已准备好去任何一个地方。"

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但你没有去。

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莫里等了一会儿，他微微摇了摇头。"是的，我没有去。但我感觉到我已经能够去了。你能理解吗？

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"这就是我们都在寻求的：平静地面对死亡。如果我们知道我们可以这样去面对死亡的话，那么我们就能应付最困难的事情了。"

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什么是最困难的？

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"与生活讲和。"

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他想看后面窗台上的木槿。我把它托举到他面前。他笑了。

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"死是很自然的，"他说。"我们之所以对死亡大惊小怪，是因为我们没有把自己视作自然的一部分。我们觉得既然是人就得高于自然，"

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他望着木槿笑笑。

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"我们并不高于自然。有生就有死。"他看着我。

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"你能接受吗？"

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是的。

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"很好，"他轻声说。"但你有回报。这是人类不同于植物和动物的地方。

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"只要我们彼此相爱，并把它珍藏在心里，我们即使死了也不会真正地消亡。你创造的爱依然存在着。所有的记忆依然存在着。你仍然活着--活在每一个你触摸过爱抚过的人的心中。"

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他的声音变得粗糙起来。这通常表明他需要休息一会了。我把木槿放回到窗台，然后去关录音机。机子录下的莫里的最后一句话是：

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"死亡终结了生命，但没有终结感情的联系。"

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对ALS的治疗目前有了一些进展：一种处于试验阶段的药物有望获得通过。它并不能治愈患者，但能起到延缓的作用。也许可以延缓几个月。莫里已经听说了这事，但他的病情已经太严重了。而且这种药的上市还需要几个月的时间。

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"对我不管用了，"莫里打消了这个念头。

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自从患病以后，莫里从未对治愈抱过希望。他非常现实。有一次我问他，如果有人能挥舞魔杖把他治愈，他还会成为以前的那个莫里吗？

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他摇摇头。"我不可能再回到过去了。我已经是一个不同于以前的我了。我有了不同的态度和观念。我更充分地感受着自己的身体--我以前没那么做。我还不同于以往地在思索一些重大问题，一些挥之不去的根本问题。

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"就是这么回事，你瞧，你一旦涉足这些重大的问题，你就没法抽身离开了。"

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什么是重大的问题？

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"在我看来；它们离不开爱。责任，精神，意识等范畴。今天我如果是个健康人，这些还将是我要去思考的问题。它们将伴我一生。"

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我在想象一个健康的莫里：他掀去盖在身上的毯子，从轮椅上下来，我俩一起去附近散步，就像当年在校园里一样。我突然意识到，看见站着的莫里是十六年前的事了。已经十六年了？

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如果你有完全健康的一天，你会怎么做？我问。

39
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"二十四小时？"

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二十四小时。

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"我想想……早晨起床，进行晨练，吃一顿可口的。有甜面包卷和茶的早餐。然后去游泳，请朋友们共进午餐，我一次只请一两个，于是我们可以谈他们的家庭，谈他们的问题，谈彼此的友情。

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"然后我会去公园散步，看看自然的色彩，看看美丽的小鸟，尽情地享受久违的大自然。

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"晚上，我们一起去饭店享用上好的意大利面食，也可能是鸭子--我喜欢吃鸭子--剩下的时间就用来跳舞。我会跟所有的人跳，直到跳得精疲力竭。然后回家，美美地睡上一个好觉。"

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就这些？

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"就这些。"

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太普通了。毫不奢侈。我听了真有些失望。我猜想他会飞去意大利与总统共进午餐，或去海边，或想方设法去享受奇异。奢侈的生活。几个月躺下来，连脚都无法动弹--他竟然在极普通的一天里找到了那份完美。

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但随后我意识到了这就是一切问题的答案所在。

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那天当我离开时，莫里问他能不能提一个话题。

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"你弟弟，"他说。

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我心里一震。我不知道莫里怎么会知道我的心病的。我几个星期来一直在给西班牙的弟弟去电话，我得知--他的朋友告诉我--他正往返于西班牙和阿姆斯特丹的一家医院。

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"米奇，我知道不能和你爱的人在一起是痛苦的。但你应该平静地看待他的愿望。也许他是不想烦扰你的生活。也许他是承受不了那份压力。我要每一个我所认识的人继续他们自己的生活--不要由于我的死而毁了它。"

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可他是我弟弟，我说。

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"我知道，"莫里说。"所以你会伤心。"

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我脑海里又出现了八岁时的彼得，他金色的鬈发蓬成可爱的球状。我们在隔壁的院子里摔跤，泥草透过牛仔裤弄脏了我们的膝盖；我回想起他对着镜子唱歌，拿着梳子当话筒；我还想起我俩躲迸阁楼小屋，藏在那里考验父母亲的能耐，是否找得到我们吃晚饭。

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随后出现了成年的他，拖着羸弱的身躯远离亲人，化疗使他骨瘦如柴。

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莫里，我问，他为什么不想见我？

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我的老教授叹了口气。人与人的关系是没有固定公式的。它需要双方用爱心去促成，给予双方以空间，了解彼此的愿望和需求，了解彼此能做些什么以及各自不同的生活。

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"在商业上，人们通过谈判去获胜。他们通过谈判去得到他们想要的东西，但爱却不同。爱是让你像关心自己一样去关心别人。

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"你有过和弟弟在一起的美好时光，但你不再拥有这份感情了。你想把它要回来。你从未想让它结束。可这就是生活的一部分。结束，重新开始，结束，重新开始。"

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我望着他，所有的死亡我都见到了。我感到茫然无助。

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"你会回到你弟弟的身边的，"莫里说。

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你怎么知道？

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莫里笑了，"你回到了我身边，是不是？"

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"我那天听到一个有趣的小故事，"莫里说。他闭了一会眼睛，我等他往下说。

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"故事讲的是一朵在海洋里漂流了无数个春秋的小海浪。它享受着海风和空气带给它的欢乐--这时它发现，它前面的海浪正在撞向海岸。

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"’我的天，这太可怕了，’小海浪说。’我也要遭此厄运了！’

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"’这时又涌来了另一朵海浪。它看见小海浪神情黯然，便对它说，’你为何这般惆怅？’

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"小海浪回答说，’你不明白！我们都要撞上海岸了。我们所有的海浪都将不复存在了！你说这不可怕吗？’

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"那朵海浪说，’不，是你不明白。你不是海浪，你是大海的一部分！’"

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我笑了。莫里闭上了眼睛。

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"大海的一部分！"他说着，"大海的一部分。"我看着他呼吸，吸进呼出，吸进呼出。

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"Forgive yourself before you die. Then forgive others."

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This was a few days after the "Nightline" interview. The sky was rainy and dark, and Morrie was beneath a blanket. I sat at the far end of his chair, holding his bare feet. They were callused and curled, and his toenails were yellow. I had a small jar of lotion, and I squeezed some into my hands and began to massage his ankles.

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It was another of the things I had watched his helpers do for months, and now, in an attempt to hold on to what I could of him, I had volunteered to do it myself. The disease had left Morrie without the ability even to wiggle his toes, yet he could still feel pain, and massages helped relieve it. Also, of course, Morrie liked being held and touched. And at this point, anything I could do to make him happy, I was going to do.

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"Mitch," he said, returning to the subject of forgiveness. "There is no point in keeping vengeance or stubbornness. These things"-he sighed-"these things I so regret in my life. Pride. Vanity. Why do we do the things we do?"

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The importance of forgiving was my question. I had seen those movies where the patriarch of the family is on his death bed and he calls for his estranged son so that he can make peace before he goes. I wondered if Morrie had any of that inside him, a sudden need to say "I’m sorry" before he died?

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Morrie nodded. "Do you see that sculpture?" He tilted his head toward a bust that sat high on a shelf against the far wall of his office. I had never really noticed it before. Cast in bronze, it was the face of a man in his early forties, wearing a necktie, a tuft of hair falling across his forehead.

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"That’s me," Morrie said. "A friend of mine sculpted that maybe thirty years ago. His name was Norman. We used to spend so much time together. We went swimming. We took rides to New York. He had me over to his house in Cambridge, and he sculpted that bust of me down in his basement. It took several weeks to do it, but he really wanted to get it right."

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I studied the face. How strange to see a three-dimensional Morrie, so healthy, so young, watching over us as we spoke. Even in bronze, he had a whimsical look, and I thought this friend had sculpted a little spirit as well.

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"Well, here’s the sad part of the story," Morrie said. "Norman and his wife moved away to Chicago. A little while later, my wife, Charlotte, had to have a pretty serious operation. Norman and his wife never got in touch with us. I know they knew about it. Charlotte and I were very hurt because they never called to see how she was. So we dropped the relationship.

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"Over the years, I met Norman a few times and he always tried to reconcile, but I didn’t accept it. I wasn’t satisfied with his explanation. I was prideful. I shrugged him off. "

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His voice choked.

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"Mitch . . . a few years ago . . . he died of cancer. I feel so sad. I never got to see him. I never got to forgive. It pains me now so much . . ."

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He was crying again, a soft and quiet cry, and because his head was back, the tears rolled off the side of his face before they reached his lips.

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Sorry, I said.

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"Don’t be," he whispered. "Tears are okay."

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I continued rubbing lotion into his lifeless toes. He wept for a few minutes, alone with his memories.

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"It’s not just other people we need to forgive, Mitch," he finally whispered. We also need to forgive

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ourselves."

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Ourselves?

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"Yes. For all the things we didn’t do. All the things we should have done. You can’t get stuck on the regrets of what should have happened. That doesn’t help you when you get to where I am.

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"I always wished I had done more with my work; I wished I had written more books. I used to beat myself up over it. Now I see that never did any good. Make peace. You need to make peace with yourself and everyone around you."

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I leaned over and dabbed at the tears with a tissue. Morrie flicked his eyes open and closed. His breathing was audible, like a light snore.

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"Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Don’t wait, Mitch. Not everyone gets the time I’m getting. Not everyone is as lucky."

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I tossed the tissue into the wastebasket and returned to his feet. Lucky? I pressed my thumb into his hardened flesh and he didn’t even feel it.

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"The tension of opposites, Mitch. Remember that? Things pulling in different directions?"

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I remember.

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"I mourn my dwindling time, but I cherish the chance it gives me to make things right."

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We sat there for a while, quietly, as the rain splattered against the windows. The hibiscus plant behind his head was still holding on, small but firm.

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"Mitch," Morrie whispered.

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Uh-huh?

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I rolled his toes between my fingers, lost in the task.

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"Look at me."

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I glanced up and saw the most intense look in his eyes.

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"I don’t know why you came back to me. But I want to say this . . .

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He paused, and his voice choked.

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"If I could have had another son, I would have liked it to be you."

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I dropped my eyes, kneading the dying flesh of his feet between my fingers. For a moment, I felt afraid, as if accepting his words would somehow betray my own father. But when I looked up, I saw Morrie smiling through tears and I knew there was no betrayal in a moment like this.

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All I was afraid of was saying good-bye.

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"I’ve picked a place to be buried."

39

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Where is that?

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Please sign in to unlock the rest

41

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42

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43

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He chuckles. I chuckle.

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"Will you visit?" Visit?

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