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相约星期二|Tuesdays with Morrie

The Eighth Tuesday We Talk About Money

属类： 双语小说 【分类】世界名著 -[作者: 米奇-艾尔邦] 阅读：[11612]
The Seventh Tuesday We Talk About the Fear o f Aging
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我把报纸举到莫里面前，他看见了上面的一行字：

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我不想在我的墓碑上写着

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"我从未拥有过广播网。"

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莫里笑了，然后摇摇头，早晨的阳光从他背后的窗户照射进来，落在窗台上那盆木槿的淡红叶子上。这句话是亿万富翁。有线电视新闻网的创始人，媒体大亨特德•特纳写的，他为未能在公司的一笔大买卖中得到哥伦比亚广播公司的广播网而哀叹。我今天早上把这条新闻告诉莫里是因为我突发奇想，要是特纳发觉自己处于莫里的境地，呼吸渐渐地衰竭，躯体慢慢地变成石头，日子一天天地从日历上划去--他还会为失去广播网而大恸大悲吗？

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"这是同一个问题，米奇，"莫里说。"我们树立了错误的价值观，从而对生活产生了一种幻想破灭的失落感。我认为我们该谈谈这个问题。"

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莫里的注意力集中起来。他现在时好时坏。今天的情况算是不错。前一天晚上，当地的一个清唱组合来为他作了表演，他异常兴奋他讲述着这件事，似乎上门来为他演唱的是黑斑组合①。莫里患病前就十分喜爱音乐，如今这份爱好更强烈了，音乐会感动得他热泪盈眶。他有时在晚上听歌剧，闭上眼睛陶醉在激昂的歌声中。

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①极有名的黑人歌手组合，共有四人。

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"米奇，你昨晚要是来听就好了。他们唱得棒极了！"

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莫里一向很容易满足，唱歌，跳舞，欢笑对他来说都是莫大的乐趣。如今，物质生活对他越来越无所谓了。人死的时候，人们常说"生不带来，死不带去"。莫里似乎早就明白了这个道理。

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"我们国家提倡灌输的教育形式，"莫里叹道。"你知道他们是怎样灌输的吗，他们对你一遍又一遍地重复，这就是我们国家的做法。拥有得越多越好。钱越多越好。财富越多越好。商业行为也是越多越好。越多越好。越多越好。我们反复地对别人这么说--别人又反复地对我们这么说--一遍又一遍，直到人人都认为这是真理。大多数人会受它迷惑而失去自己的判断能力。

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"无论我生活在哪里，我都会遇到一些对新的东西充满了占有欲的人，想拥有新的汽车，想拥有新的财产，想拥有新的玩具。然后沾沾自喜地向你炫耀：’猜我得到了什么？猜我得到了什么？’

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"你知道我对此是怎么解释的？这些人都渴望得到爱，但又得不到，于是就接受了这些替代品。他们乐于接受物质的东西，期望能得到类似于拥抱的感情回报，但这是行不通的。你无法用物质的东西去替代爱，善良、温柔或朋友间的亲情。

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"钱无法替代温情，权力也无法替代温情，我能告诉你，当我坐在这儿等待死亡时，当你最需要这份温情时，金钱或权力都无法给予你这份感情，不管你拥有多少财富或权势。"

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我环视莫里的书房。它同我第一次见到时的一模一样。书排放在书架的老地方。纸凌乱地堆满了那张；日的书桌。其它的房间也没有什么改善。事实上，莫里有很长时间，也许有好几年没有添置过新的东西--除了医疗器械。他得知自己患上不治之症的那一天，也就是他完全放弃购物欲的那一天。

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因此，电视机还是老牌子，夏洛特开的那辆车还是原来的型号，盘子、银器和毛巾--都是旧的。然而，这屋子却在发生重大的变化。它充满了爱。教诲和交流，它充满了友谊，柔情，但然和眼泪。它充满了同事，学生、默念师，治疗专家，护士和歌手。从真正的意义上说，它成了一个非常富有的家庭，尽管莫里银行帐户上的数字在急剧地减少。

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"这个社会在想要什么和需要什么这个问题上是很感困惑的，"莫里说。"你需要的是食物，而你想要的却是巧克力圣代。你得对自己诚实。你并不需要最新的跑车，你并不需要最大的房子。

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"实际上，它们不能使你感到满足。你知不知道真正使你感到满足的是什么吗？"

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是什么？

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"给予他人你应该给予的东西。"

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听起来像个童子军。

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"我不是指金钱，米奇，我是指你的时间，你的关心，你的闲谈。这并不难。这儿附近开办了一个老年学校，几十个老年人每天去那儿。如果你年轻而且又有专长，学校就会请你去讲课。你在那里会很受欢迎。那些老人非常感激你，你给予了别人，于是你开始赢得别人的尊敬。

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"有很多这样的地方。你不需要有非凡的才能。医院和避难所里那些孤独的人只想得到一点陪伴。你和一个孤独的老头打打牌，你就会发现新的生活价值，因为人们需要你。

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"还记得我说过的关于寻求有意义的生活的话吗？我曾经把它写了下来；但现在我已经能背了：把自己奉献给爱，把自己奉献给社区，把自己奉献给能给予你目标和意义的创造。

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"你瞧，"他咧嘴笑道，"里面没有提到薪水。"

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我把莫里说的记在了黄拍纸簿上。我这么做是因为我不想让他窥视我的眼睛，不想让他揣摸出我的心思。我在想，毕业后的大部分时间我都在追求他所摈弃的东西--更大的玩物，更好的住房。由于我处在那些腰缠万贯、名声显赫的体育明星当中，因此我对自己说我的需求还是很现实的，同他们相比，我的欲望简直微不足道。

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这是烟幕。莫里一针见血他说过。

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"米奇，如果你想对社会的上层炫耀自己，那就打消这个念头，他们照样看不起你，如果你想对社会的底层炫耀自己，也请打消这个念头，他们只会忌妒你。身份和地位往往使你感到无所适从。唯有一颗坦诚的心方能使你悠然地面对整个社会。"

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他停顿了一下，看了我一眼。"我就要死了，是吗？"

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是的。

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"那我为什么还要去关心别人的问题？难道我自己没在受罪？

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"我当然在受罪。但给予他人能使我感到自己还活着。汽车和房子不能给你这种感觉，镜子里照出的模样也不能给你这种感觉。只有当我奉献出了时间，当我使刀"些悲伤的人重又露出笑颜，我才感到我仍像以前一样的健康。

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"只要你做的是发自内心的，你过后就不会感到失望，不会感到妒忌，也不会计较别人的回报。否则，你就要患得患失。"

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他咳嗽起来，伸手去拿椅子上的铃。他抓了几下也没拿住，最后我把它递到了他手里。

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"谢谢，"他低声说。他无力地摇了摇铃，想叫康尼进来。

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"这位特纳老兄，"莫里说，"他就不能在他的墓碑上写些别的？"

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每天晚上，当我睡着时，我便死去了，第二天早晨，

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当我醒来时，我又复活了。

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--圣雄甘地--

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Morrie lost his battle. Someone was now wiping his behind.

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He faced this with typically brave acceptance. No longer able to reach behind him when he used the commode, he informed Connie of his latest limitation. "Would you be embarrassed to do it for me?" She said no.

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I found it typical that he asked her first.

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It took some getting used to, Morrie admitted, because it was, in a way, complete surrender to the disease. The most personal and basic things had now been taken from him-going to the bathroom, wiping his nose, washing his private parts. With the exception of breathing and swallowing his food, he was dependent on others for nearly everything.

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I asked Morrie how he managed to stay positive through that.

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"Mitch, it’s funny," he said. "I’m an independent person, so my inclination was to fight all of this-being helped from the car, having someone else dress me. I felt a little ashamed, because our culture tells us we should be ashamed if we can’t wipe our own behind. But then I figured, Forget what the culture says. I have ignored the culture much of my life. I am not going to be ashamed. What’s the big deal?

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"And you know what? The strangest thing." What’s that?

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"I began to enjoy my dependency. Now I enjoy when they turn me over on my side and rub cream on my behind so I don’t get sores. Or when they wipe my brow, or they massage my legs. I revel in it. I close my eyes and soak it up. And it seems very familiar to me.

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"It’s like going back to being a child again. Someone to bathe you. Someone to lift you. Someone to wipe you. We all know how to be a child. It’s inside all of us. For me, it’s just remembering how to enjoy it.

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"The truth is, when our mothers held us, rocked us, stroked our heads-none of us ever got enough of that. We all yearn in some way to return to those days when we were completely taken care of-unconditional love, unconditional attention. Most of us didn’t get enough.

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"I know I didn’t."

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I looked at Morrie and I suddenly knew why he so enjoyed my leaning over and adjusting his microphone, or fussing with the pillows, or wiping his eyes. Human touch. At seventy-eight, he was giving as an adult and taking as a child.

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Later that day, we talked about aging. Or maybe 1 should say the fear of aging-another of the issues on my what’s-bugging-my-generation list. On my ride from the Boston airport, I had counted the billboards that featured young and beautiful people. There was a handsome young man in a cowboy hat, smoking a cigarette, two beautiful young women smiling over a shampoo bottle, a sultrylooking teenager with her jeans unsnapped, and a sexy woman in a black velvet dress, next to a man in a tuxedo, the two of them snuggling a glass of scotch.

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Not once did I see anyone who would pass for over thirty-five. I told Morrie I was already feeling over the hill, much as I tried desperately to stay on top of it. I worked out constantly. Watched what I ate. Checked my hairline in the mirror. I had gone from being proud to say my age-because of all I had done so young-to not bringing it up, for fear I was getting too close to forty and, therefore, professional oblivion.

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Morrie had aging in better perspective.

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"All this emphasis on youth-I don’t buy it," he said. "Listen, I know what a misery being young can be, so don’t tell me it’s so great. All these kids who came to me with their struggles, their strife, their feelings of inadequacy, their sense that life was miserable, so bad they wanted to kill themselves . . .

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"And, in addition to all the miseries, the young are not wise. They have very little understanding about life. Who wants to live every day when you don’t know what’s going on? When people are manipulating you, telling you to buy this perfume and you’ll be beautiful, or this pair of jeans and you’ll be sexy-and you believe them! It’s such nonsense."

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Weren’t you ever afraid to grow old, I asked?

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"Mitch, I embrace aging."

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Embrace it?

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"It’s very simple. As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed at twenty-two, you’d always be as ignorant as you were at twenty-two. Aging is not just decay, you know. It’s growth. It’s more than the negative that you’re going to die, it’s also the positive that you understand you’re going to die, and that you live a better life because of it."

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Yes, I said, but if aging were so valuable, why do people always say, "Oh, if I were young again." You never hear people say, "I wish I were sixty-five."

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He smiled. "You know what that reflects? Unsatisfied lives. Unfulfilled lives. Lives that haven’t found meaning. Because if you’ve found meaning in your life, you don’t want to go back. You want to go forward. You want to see more, do more. You can’t wait until sixty-five. "Listen. You should know something. All younger people should know something. If you’re always battling against getting older, you’re always going to be unhappy, because it will happen anyhow.

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"And Mitch?"

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He lowered his voice.

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"The fact is, you are going to die eventually." I nodded.

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"It won’t matter what you tell yourself." I know.

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"But hopefully," he said, "not for a long, long time." He closed his eyes with a peaceful look, then asked me to adjust the pillows behind his head. His body needed constant adjustment to stay comfortable. It was propped in the chair with white pillows, yellow foam, and blue towels. At a quick glance, it seemed as if Morrie were being packed for shipping.

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"Thank you," he whispered as I moved the pillows. No problem, I said.

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"Mitch. What are you thinking?"

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I paused before answering. Okay, I said, I’m wondering how you don’t envy younger, healthy people.

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"Oh, I guess I do." He closed his eyes. "I envy them being able to go to the health club, or go for a swim. Or dance. Mostly for dancing. But envy comes to me, I feel it, and then I let it go. Remember what I said about detachment? Let it go. Tell yourself, `That’s envy, I’m going to separate from it now.’ And walk away."

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He coughed-a long, scratchy cough-and he pushed a tissue to his mouth and spit weakly into it. Sitting there, I felt so much stronger than he, ridiculously so, as if I could lift him and toss him over my shoulder like a sack of flour. I was embarrassed by this superiority, because I did not feel superior to him in any other way.

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How do you keep from envying . . .

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"What?"

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Me?

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He smiled.

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"Mitch, it is impossible for the old not to envy the young. But the issue is to accept who you are and revel in that. This is your time to be in your thirties. I had my time to be in my thirties, and now is my time to be seventy-eight.

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"You have to find what’s good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now. Looking back makes you competitive. And, age is not a competitive issue."

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He exhaled and lowered his eyes, as if to watch his breath scatter into the air.

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-W. H. AUDEN, MORRIE ’S FAVORITE " POET

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