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相约星期二|Tuesdays with Morrie

The Audiovisual, Part Two

属类： 双语小说 【分类】世界名著 -[作者: 米奇-艾尔邦] 阅读：[11599]
The Third Tuesday We Talk About Regrets
《 字+字- 行+行- 页+页- 字+字- 行+行- 页+页- 》
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"夜线"节目对莫里又作了一次跟踪报道--部分的原因是第一次节目的收视率非常的高。这次，当摄影师和制片人走进莫里的家时，他们早有了宾至如归的感觉。科佩尔更是显得热情友好。不再需要有试探的过程，不再需要有采访前的"采访"。为了创造一点气氛，科佩尔和莫里聊了一会儿各自的童年生活。科佩尔谈到了他在英国的成长经历。莫里则叙述了他在布朗克斯区①的童年生活。莫里穿了一件蓝色的长袖衬衫--他几乎一直感到冷，即使外面的气温高达华氏九十度--科佩尔也脱去了外衣，穿着衬衫和领带进行采访。看来莫里正潜移默化地在影响科佩尔。

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①纽约市的一个行政区。

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"你气色不错，"带子开始转动时科佩尔说。

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"每个人都这么对我说，"莫里回答道。

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"你说话的声音也不错。"

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"每个人也都这么对我说。"

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"那么你怎么知道你在走下坡路呢？"

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莫里叹了口气。"别人是不会知道的，特德，可我知道。"

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随着采访的继续，种种迹象便开始显露出来。他不再像第一次那样毫无困难地用手势来阐明一个观点；某些词语的发音也成了问题--L音似乎老卡在喉咙里。再过几个月，他也许再也不能说话了。

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"你可以看到我的情绪变化，"莫里对科佩尔说。"当有朋友和客人在身边时，我的情绪就很高。爱的感情维持着我的生命。

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"但我也有感到沮丧的时刻。我不想欺骗你们。我看见某些东西正在离我而去，便有一种恐惧感。我失去双手后将怎么办，我不能说话后又将怎么办，还有吞咽食物，对此我倒并不怎么在乎--他们可以用管子喂我。可我的声音？我的手？它们是我不可或缺的部分。我用声音说话，用手打手势。这是我与别人沟通的途径。"

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"当你无法再说话时，你将怎样与人沟通？"科佩尔问。

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莫里耸了耸肩。"也许我只好让他们提用是或不是来回答的问题了？"

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回答得如此简单，科佩尔不禁笑了。他向莫里提出了有关无声的问题。他提到了莫里的好友毛里•斯但因，他是第一个把莫里的格言寄到《波士顿环球》杂志的。他们从六十年代早期就一直在布兰代斯大学共事。现在斯但因快要失聪了。科佩尔想象有一天让他们俩在一起，一个不能说话，一个没有听觉，那会是怎样的情形？

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"我们会握住彼此的手，"莫里说。"我们之间会传递许多爱的感情，特德，我们有三十五年的友谊。你不需要语言或听觉去感受这种关系的。"

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采访快要结束时，莫里给科佩尔念了一封他收到的信。自从"夜线"节目播出后，莫里每天都收到大量的来信。其中有一封是宾夕法尼亚的一个教师寄来的，她在教一个只有九个学生的特殊班级，每个学生都经历了失去父亲或母亲的痛苦。

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"这是我给她的回信，"莫里的手哆嗦着把眼镜架到鼻梁和耳朵上。"亲爱的芭芭拉……你的来信使我深受感动。我觉得你为那些失去了父亲或母亲的孩子所做的工作十分重要。我早年也失去了双亲中的一个……"

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突然，就在转动着的摄像机前，莫里在挪动眼镜。他止住了话语，咬着嘴唇，开始哽咽起来。泪水顺着鼻子流淌下来。"我还是个孩子时就失去了母亲……它对我的打击太大了……我真希望能像现在这样，对着你们倾诉出我的悲痛，我一定会加入到你们中间来，因为……"

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他泣不成声了。

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"……因为我那时是那样的孤独……"

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"莫里。"科佩尔问，"那是七十年前的事了，这种痛楚还在继续？"

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"是的，"莫里低声说。

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The next Tuesday, I arrived with the normal bags of food-pasta with corn, potato salad, apple cobbler--and something else: a Sony tape recorder.

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I want to remember what we talk about, I told Morrie. I want to have your voice so I can listen to it . . . later.

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"When I’m dead." Don’t say that.

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He laughed. "Mitch, I’m going to die. And sooner, not later."

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He regarded the new machine. "So big," he said. I felt intrusive, as reporters often do, and I began to think that a tape machine between two people who were supposedly friends was a foreign object, an artificial ear. With all the people clamoring for his time, perhaps I was trying to take too much away from these Tuesdays.

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Listen, I said, picking up the recorder. We don’t have to use this. If it makes you uncomfortable He stopped me, wagged a finger, then hooked his glasses off his nose, letting them dangle on the string around his neck. He looked me square in the eye. "Put it down," he said.

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I put it down.

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"Mitch," he continued, softly now, "you don’t understand. I want to tell you about my life. I want to tell you before I can’t tell you anymore."

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His voice dropped to a whisper. "I want someone to hear my story. Will you?"

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I nodded.

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We sat quietly for a moment.

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"So," he said, "is it turned on?"

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Now, the truth is, that tape recorder was more than nostalgia. I was losing Morrie, we were all losing Morrie--his family, his friends, his ex-students, his fellow professors, his pals from the political discussion groups that he loved so much, his former dance partners, all of us. And I suppose tapes, like photographs and videos, are a desperate attempt to steal something from death’s suitcase.

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But it was also becoming clear to me -through his courage, his humor, his patience, and his openness-that Morrie was looking at life from some very different place than anyone else I knew. A healthier place. A more sensible place. And he was about to die.

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If some mystical clarity of thought came when you looked death in the eye, then I knew Morrie wanted to share it. And I wanted to remember it for as long as I could.

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The first time I saw Morrie on "Nightline," 1 wondered what regrets he had once he knew his death was imminent. Did he lament lost friends? Would he have done much differently? Selfishly, I wondered if I were in his shoes, would I be consumed with sad thoughts of all that I had missed? Would I regret the secrets I had kept hidden?

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When I mentioned this to Morrie, he nodded. "It’s what everyone worries about, isn’t it? What if today were my last day on earth?" He studied my face, and perhaps he saw an ambivalence about my own choices. I had this vision of me keeling over at my desk one day, halfway through a story, my editors snatching the copy even as the medics carried my body away.

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"Mitch?" Morrie said.

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I shook my head and said nothing. But Morrie picked up on my hesitation.

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"Mitch," he said, "the culture doesn’t encourage you to think about such things until you’re about to die. We’re so wrapped up with egotistical things, career, family, having enough money, meeting the mortgage, getting a new car, fixing the radiator when it breaks-we’re involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going. So we don’t get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, Is this all? Is this all I want? Is something missing?"

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He paused.

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"You need someone to probe you in that direction. It won’t just happen automatically."

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I knew what he was saying. We all need teachers in our lives.

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And mine was sitting in front of me.

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Fine, I figured. If I was to be the student, then I would be as good a student as I could be.

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On the plane ride home that day, I made a small list on a yellow legal pad, issues and questions that we all grapple with, from happiness to aging to having children to death. Of course, there were a million self-help books on these subjects, and plenty of cable TV shows, and $9oper-hour consultation sessions. America had become a Persian bazaar of self-help.

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But there still seemed to be no clear answers. Do you take care of others or take care of your "inner child"? Return to traditional values or reject tradition as useless? Seek success or seek simplicity? Just Say No or just Do It? All I knew was this: Morrie, my old professor, wasn’t in the self-help business. He was standing on the tracks, listening to death’s locomotive whistle, and he was very clear about the important things in life.

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I wanted that clarity. Every confused and tortured soul I knew wanted that clarity.

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"Ask me anything," Morrie always said.

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So I wrote this list: Death Fear Aging Greed Marriage Family Society Forgiveness A meaningful life The list was in my bag when I returned to West Newton for the fourth time, a Tuesday in late August when the air-conditioning at the Logan Airport terminal was not working, and people fanned themselves and wiped sweat angrily from their foreheads, and every face I saw looked ready to kill somebody.

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By the start of my senior year, I have taken so many sociology classes, I am only a few credits shy of a degree. Morrie suggests I try an honors thesis.

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Me? I ask. What would I write about?

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"What interests you?" he says.

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We bat it back and forth, until we finally settle on, of all things, sports. I begin a year-long project on how football in America has become ritualistic, almost a religion, an opiate for the masses. I have no idea that this is training for my future career. I only know it gives me another once-a-week session with Morrie.

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And, with his help, by spring I have a 112 page thesis, researched, footnoted, documented, and neatly bound in black leather. I show it to Morrie with the pride of a Little Leaguer rounding the bases on his first home run.

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"Congratulations," Morrie says.

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I grin as he leafs through it, and I glance around his office. The shelves of books, the hardwood floor, the throw rug, the couch. I think to myself that I have sat just about everywhere there is to sit in this room.

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"I don’t know, Mitch," Morrie muses, adjusting his glasses as he reads, "with work like this, we may have to get you back here for grad school."

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Yeah, right, I say.

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I snicker, but the idea is momentarily appealing. Part of me is scared of leaving school. Part of me wants to go desperately. Tension of opposites. I watch Morrie as he reads my thesis, and wonder what the big world will be like out there.

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