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相约星期二|Tuesdays with Morrie

The Twelfth Tuesday We Talk About Forgiveness

属类： 双语小说 【分类】世界名著 -[作者: 米奇-艾尔邦] 阅读：[11593]
The Audiovisual, Part Three
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"临死前先原谅自己，然后原谅别人。"

1
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这是"夜线"专访的几天以后，天空中阴霾密布。莫里盖着毯子，我坐在他那张躺椅的另一头，握着他裸露的脚。脚上长满了硬皮，而且呈拳曲状，脚趾甲呈黄颜色。我拿着一瓶润肤液，挤一点在手上，然后按摩他的脚踝处。

2
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这是几个月来我看见那些助手们常替莫里做的事情之一，我现在自告奋勇地要做这事，为的是能更多地接触他，疾病甚至剥夺了莫里扭动脚趾的功能，然而他却依然有疼痛感，而按摩可以缓解痛楚，再说，莫里喜欢有人去触摸他。在这个时候，只要是能使他开心的，任何事我都愿意去做。

3
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"米奇，"他又回到了原谅这个话题。"记恨和固执都是毫无意义的。这种情绪--他叹了口气--这种情绪让我抱憾终身。自负。虚荣。我们为什么要这么做呢？"

4
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我想问的是原谅有多重要。我在电影里常看到一些大亨式的人物临终前把疏远的儿子叫到床前，然后才平静地死去。我不知道莫里是否也有这种念头：在他临终前突然想说声"对不起"？

5
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莫里点点头。"看见那尊雕像吗？"他斜了斜头，指向靠着对面墙的书橱上的一个头像。它放在书橱的昏层，我平时从来没有注意到。雕像是铜的，塑的是一个四十出头的男子，系着领带，一绺头发飘落在额前。

6
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"那是我，"莫里说，"一个朋友大约在三十年前雕刻的。他叫诺曼。我们以前常在一起。我们去游泳，我们搭车去纽约。他把我带到他在剑桥①的公寓，在他的地下室里为我雕刻了这尊头像。这花了他好几个星期，可他干得一丝不苟。"

7
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①哈佛大学所在地。

8
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我望着那张脸，真有一种异样的感觉：那个三维形的莫里是那么健康，那么年轻，他看着我们交谈。虽然是铜像，但仍透出几许活泼的神态。我觉得那位朋友确实刻出了莫里的一些内在气质。

9
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"咳，令人不快的事情发生了，"莫里说。"诺曼和他妻子去了芝加哥。过后没多久，我妻子夏洛特动了一次大手术。诺曼和他妻子始终没跟我们联系，但我知道他们是知道这件事的。他们伤了我和夏洛特的心：竟连一个电话都不打。于是我们就中断了关系。

10
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"后来，我只见到诺曼一两次，他一直想同我和解，但我没有接受。他的解释不能使我满意。我很自负。我拒他于千里之外。"

11
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他的声音有些哽咽。

12
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"米奇……几年前……他死于癌症。我感到非常难过。我没有去看他。我一直没有原谅他。我现在非常非常的懊悔……"

13
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他又哭了起来，那是无声的哭泣，泪水流过面颊，淌到了嘴唇。

14
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对不起，我说。

15
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"没关系，"他低声说，"流泪有好处。"

16
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我继续在他坏死的脚趾上涂抹润肤液。他默默地哭了几分钟，沉浸在对往事的回忆里。

17
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"我们不仅需要原谅别人，米奇，"他又说道，"我们也需要原谅自己。"

18
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原谅自己？

19
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"是的，原谅自己应该做而没有做的事。你不应该陷在遗憾的情绪中无法自拔，这对你是没有益处的，尤其是处在我这个阶段。

20
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"我一直希望自己工作得更出色些，希望能多写几本书。我常常为此而自责。现在我发现这毫无帮助。跟它和解。跟自己和解。跟你周围的人和解。"

21
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我探过身去用纸擦去了他的眼泪。莫里睁了睁眼睛又闭上了，他的呼吸又粗又重，像打鼾似的。

22
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原谅自己。原谅别人。不要犹豫，米奇，不是每个人都能像我这样可以拖一段时间的。有的并不那么幸运。

23
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我把擦过的纸扔进废纸篓，继续为他的脚按摩。幸运？我用拇指用力地按他变硬的肌肤，他一点感觉都没有。

24
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"反向力，米奇，还记得吗？事物朝两个方向发展。"

25
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我记得。

26
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"我哀叹时间在无情地逝去，但我又庆幸它仍给了我弥补的机会。"

27
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我们静静地坐在那里，雨水打在窗上，他身后的那棵木槿小而挺拔，依然生命旺盛。

28
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"米奇，"莫里低声说。

29
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我神情专注地揉动着他的脚趾。

30
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"看着我。"

31
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我抬起头来，看见了他非常严肃的眼神。

32
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"我不知道你为什么回到我身边来。但我想说……"

33
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他打住了话头，声音有些哽咽。

34
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"如果我还能有个儿子，我希望他是你。"

35
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我垂下眼睛，搓揉着他坏死的肌肤。一时间我感到有些害怕，似乎接受了莫里的感情就意味着背叛自己的父亲。可当我抬起头来，看见莫里噙着泪水的笑容时，我知道这时候是没有背叛的。

36
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我真正害怕的是跟他说再见。

37
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"我已经选好了墓地。"

38
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在哪儿？

39
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"离这儿不远，在山坡上，傍着一棵树，可以俯视到一个水池，非常宁静。一个思考的好地方。"

40
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你准备在那儿思考？

41
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"我准备在那儿死去。"

42
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他笑出声来，我也笑了。

43
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"你会去看我吗？"

44
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看你？

45
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"来和我说说话。安排在星期二。你总是星期二来。"

46
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我们是星期二人。

47
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"对，星期二人。你会去吗？"他的身体虚弱得真快。

48
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"看着我，"他说。

49
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我看着他。

50
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"你会去我的墓地吗？告诉我你的问题？"

51
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我的问题？

52
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"是的。"

53
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你会回答我吗？

54
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"我会尽力的。我不是一直这么做的吗？"

55
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我想象着他的墓地：在山坡上，俯视着一片水塘。人们把他安葬在九英尺见方的土地里，上面盖上泥土，树一块碑，也许就在凡个星期后？也许就在几天后？我想象自己独自坐在那儿，双手抱膝，仰望着天空。

56
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不一样了，我说，没法听见你的说话。

57
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"哈，说话……"

58
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他闭上眼睛笑了。

59
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"知道吗？我死了以后，你说，我听。"

60
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The "Nightline" crew came back for its third and final visit. The whole tenor of the thing was different now. Less like an interview, more like a sad farewell. Ted Koppel had called several times before coming up, and he had asked Morrie, "Do you think you can handle it?"

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Morrie wasn’t sure he could. "I’m tired all the time now, Ted. And I’m choking a lot. If I can’t say something, will you say it for me?"

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Koppel said sure. And then the normally stoic anchor added this: "If you don’t want to do it, Morrie, it’s okay. I’ll come up and say good-bye anyhow."

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Later, Morrie would grin mischievously and say, "I’m getting to him." And he was. Koppel now referred to Morrie as "a friend." My old professor had even coaxed compassion out of the television business.

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For the interview, which took place on a Friday afternoon, Morrie wore the same shirt he’d had on the day before. He changed shirts only every other day at this point, and this was not the other day, so why break routine?

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Unlike the previous two Koppel-Schwartz sessions, this one was conducted entirely within Morrie’s study, where Morrie had become a prisoner of his chair. Koppel, who kissed my old professor when he first saw him, now had to squeeze in alongside the bookcase in order to be seen in the camera’s lens.

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Before they started, Koppel asked about the disease’s progression. "How bad is it, Morrie?"

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Morrie weakly lifted a hand, halfway up his belly. This was as far as he could go.

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Koppel had his answer.

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The camera rolled, the third and final interview. Koppel asked if Morrie was more afraid now that death was near. Morrie said no; to tell the truth, he was less afraid. He said he was letting go of some of the outside world, not having the newspaper read to him as much, not paying as much attention to mail, instead listening more to music and watching the leaves change color through his window.

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There were other people who suffered from ALS, Morrie knew, some of them famous, such as Stephen Hawking, the brilliant physicist and author of A Brief History of Time. He lived with a hole in his throat, spoke through a computer synthesizer, typed words by batting his eyes as a sensor picked up the movement.

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This was admirable, but it was not the way Morrie wanted to live. He told Koppel he knew when it would be time to say good-bye.

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"For me, Ted, living means I can be responsive to the other person. It means I can show my emotions and my feelings. Talk to them. Feel with them . . ."

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He exhaled. "When that is gone, Morrie is gone."

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They talked like friends. As he had in the previous two interviews, Koppel asked about the "old ass wipe test"-hoping, perhaps, for a humorous response. But Morrie was too tired even to grin. He shook his head. "When I sit on the commode, I can no longer sit up straight. I’m listing all the time, so they have to hold me. When I’m done they have to wipe me. That is how far it’s gotten."

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He told Koppel he wanted to die with serenity. He shared his latest aphorism: "Don’t let go too soon, but don’t hang on too long."

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Koppel nodded painfully. Only six months had passed between the first "Nightline" show and this one, but Morrie Schwartz was clearly a collapsed form. He had decayed before a national TV audience, a miniseries of a death. But as his body rotted, his character shone even more brightly.

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Toward the end of the interview, the camera zoomed in on Morrie-Koppel was not even in the picture, only his voice was heard from outside it-and the anchor asked if my old professor had anything he wanted to say to the millions of people he had touched. Although he did not mean it this way, I couldn’t help but think of a condemned man being asked for his final words.

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"Be compassionate," Morrie whispered. "And take responsibility for each other. If we only learned those lessons, this world would be so much better a place."

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He took a breath, then added his mantra: "Love each other or die."

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The interview was ended. But for some reason, the cameraman left the film rolling, and a final scene was caught on tape.

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"You did a good job," Koppel said.

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Morrie smiled weakly.

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"I gave you what I had," he whispered. "You always do."

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"Ted, this disease is knocking at my spirit. But it will not get my spirit. It’ll get my body. It will not get my spirit."

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Koppel was near tears. "You done good."

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"You think so?" Morrie rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. "I’m bargaining with Him up there now. I’m asking Him, `Do I get to be one of the angels?’ "

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It was the first time Morrie admitted talking to God.

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