The alarm clock showed 11:55 p.m. Hilde lay staring at the ceiling. She tried to let her associations flow freely.
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Each time she finished a chain of thoughts, she tried to ask herself why.Could there be something she was trying to repress?
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If only she could have set aside all censorship, she might have slid into a waking dream. A bit scary, she thought.
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The more she relaxed and opened herself to random thoughts and images, the more she felt as if she was in the major’s cabin by the little lake in the woods.
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What could Alberto be planning? Of course, it was Hilde’s father planning that Alberto was planning something. Did he already know what Alberto would do? Perhaps he was trying to give himself free rein , so that whatever happened in the end would come as a surprise to him too.
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There were not many pages left now. Should she take a peek at the last page? No, that would be cheating. And besides, Hilde was convinced that it was far from decided what was to happen on the last page.
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Wasn’t that a curious thought? The ring binder was right here and her father could not possibly get back in time to add anything to it. Not unless Alberto did something on his own. A surprise ...
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Hilde had a few surprises up her own sleeve, in any case. Her father did not control her. But was she in full control of herself?
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What was consciousness? Wasn’t it one of the greatest riddles of the universe? What was memory? What made us "remember" everything we had seen and experienced?
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What kind of mechanism made us create fabulous dreams night after night?
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She closed her eyes from time to time. Then she opened them and stared at the ceiling again. At last she forgot to open them.
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She was asleep.
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When the raucous scream of a seagull woke her, Hilde got out of bed. As usual, she crossed the room to the window and stood looking out across the bay. It had gotten to be a habit, summer and winter.
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As she stood there, she suddenly felt a myriad of colors exploding in her head. She remembered what she had dreamt. But it felt like more than an ordinary dream, with its vivid colors and shapes ...
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She had dreamt that her father came home from Lebanon, and the whole dream was an extension of Sophie’s dream when she found the gold crucifix on the dock.
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Hilde was sitting on the edge of the dock--exactly as in Sophie’s dream. Then she heard a very soft voice whispering, "My name is Sophie!"
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Hilde had stayed where she was, sitting very still, trying to hear where the voice was coming from. It continued, an almost inaudible rustling , as if an insect were speaking to her:
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”You must be both deaf and blind!”
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Just then her father had come into the garden in his UN uniform. ”Hilde!” he shouted.
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Hilde ran up to him and threw her arms around his neck. That’s where the dream ended.
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She remembered some lines of a poem by Arnulf 0verland:
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Wakened one night by a curious dreamand a voice that seemed to be speaking to melike a far-off subterranean stream,I rose and asked: What do you want of me?
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She was still standing at the window when her mother came in.
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"Hi there! Are you already awake?"
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"I’m not sure..."
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"I’ll be home around four, as usual."
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"Okay, Mom."
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"Have a nice vacation day, Hilde!"
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"You have a good day too."
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When she heard her mother slam the front door, she slipped back into bed with the ring binder.
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"I’m going to dive down into the major’s unconscious. That’s where I’ll be until we meet again."
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There, yes. Hilde started reading again. She could feel under her right index finger that there were only a few pages left.
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When Sophie left the major’s cabin, she could still see some of the Disney figures at the water’s edge, but they seemed to dissolve as she approached them. By the time she reached the boat they had all disappeared.
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While she was rowing she made faces, and after she had pulled the boat up into the reeds on the other side she waved her arms about. She was working desperately to hold the major’s attention so that Alberto could sit undisturbed in the cabin.
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She danced along the path, hopping and skipping. Then she tried walking like a mechanical doll. To keep the major interested she began to sing as well.
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At one point she stood still, pondering what Alberta’s plan could be. Catching herself, she got such a bad conscience that she started to climb a tree.
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Sophie climbed as high as she could. When she was nearly at the top, she realized she could not get down.
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She decided to wait a little before trying again. But meanwhile she could not just stay quietly where she was. Then the major would get tired of watching her and would begin to interest himself in what Alberto was doing.
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Sophie waved her arms, tried to crow like a rooster a couple of times, and finally began to yodel. It was the first time in her fifteen-year-old life that Sophie had yodeled.
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"You are much too small to help me," said Sophie.
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"You are jumping to conclusions, young lady. It is you who are too big."
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[p1]"Throughout the entire history of philosophy, philosophers have sought to discover what man is--or what human nature is. But Sartre believed that man has no such eternal ’nature’ to fall back on.
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[p2]It is therefore useless to search for the meaning of life in general. We are condemned to improvise .
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[p3]We are like actors dragged onto the stage without having learned our lines, with no script and no prompter to whisper stage directions to us. We must decide for ourselves how to live."