Philip avoided the places he had known in happier times. The little gatherings at the tavern in Beak Street were broken up: Macalister, having let down his friends, no longer went there, and Hayward was at the Cape . Only Lawson remained; and Philip, feeling that now the painter and he had nothing in common, did not wish to see him; but one Saturday afternoon, after dinner, having changed his clothes he walked down Regent Street to go to the free library in St. Martin’s Lane, meaning to spend the afternoon there, and suddenly found himself face to face with him. His first instinct was to pass on without a word, but Lawson did not give him the opportunity.
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"你这一向究竟上哪儿啦?"劳森高声问道。
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‘Where on earth have you been all this time?’ he cried.
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"我吗?"菲利普说。
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‘I?’ said Philip.
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"我给你写过一封信,想请你上我的画室来吃个闹宴的,可你一直不给回音。"
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‘I wrote you and asked you to come to the studio for a beano and you never even answered.’
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"没接到你的信呀。"
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‘I didn’t get your letter.’
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"你是没收到,这我知道。我上医院找你去了,只见信还搁在文件架上。你不学医啦?"
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‘No, I know. I went to the hospital to ask for you, and I saw my letter in the rack. Have you chucked the Medical?’
Philip hesitated for a moment. He was ashamed to tell the truth, but the shame he felt angered him, and he forced himself to speak. He could not help reddening.
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"是的。我仅有的一点钱都用光了,无力继续我的学业。"
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‘Yes, I lost the little money I had. I couldn’t afford to go on with it.’
‘If you went into Lynn and Sedley, and made your way into the ‘made robes’ department, you would see me in a frock coat, walking about with a degage air and directing ladies who want to buy petticoats or stockings. First to the right, madam, and second on the left.’
Lawson, seeing that Philip was making a jest of it, laughed awkwardly. He did not know what to say. The picture that Philip called up horrified him, but he was afraid to show his sympathy.
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"这对你来说倒是个变化,"劳森说了一句。
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‘That’s a bit of a change for you,’ he said.
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他觉得自己说这种话未免太不得体了,顿时不胜懊悔。菲利普听后,赧颜满面,脸色阴沉。
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His words seemed absurd to him, and immediately he wished he had not said them. Philip flushed darkly.
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"是个变化,"菲利普说。"顺便说个事,我还欠你五个先令呢。"
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‘A bit,’ he said. ‘By the way, I owe you five bob.’
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他把手伸进了口袋,掏出了几枚银币。
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He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out some silver.
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"哦,这没什么。我都忘了。"
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‘Oh, it doesn’t matter. I’d forgotten all about it.’
Lawson received the money silently. They stood in the middle of the pavement, and people jostled them as they passed. There was a sardonictwinkle in Philip’s eyes, which made the painter intensely uncomfortable, and he could not tell that Philip’s heart was heavy with despair. Lawson wanted dreadfully to do something, but he did not know what to do.
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"嘿,你到我画室来,咱俩好好聊聊不行吗?"
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‘I say, won’t you come to the studio and have a talk?’
He saw the pain come into Lawson’s eyes, he could not help it, he was sorry, but he had to think of himself; he could not bear the thought of discussing his situation, he could endure it only by determining resolutely not to think about it. He was afraid of his weakness if once he began to open his heart.
Moreover, he took irresistible dislikes to the places where he had been miserable : he remembered the humiliation he had endured when he had waited in that studio, ravenous with hunger, for Lawson to offer him a meal, and the last occasion when he had taken the five shillings off him. He hated the sight of Lawson, because he recalled those days of utter abasement .
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"那好吧,哪一天晚上你到我画室来,咱俩在一块吃顿饭。哪一天来,你自己决定。"
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‘Then look here, come and dine with me one night. Choose your own evening.’
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那位画家的好意,打动了菲利普的心弦。他暗自思忖着,各种各样的人都对他表示友善,这真不可思议。
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Philip was touched with the painter’s kindness. All sorts of people were strangely kind to him, he thought.
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"你太好了,老兄,不过我还是不想来。"他向劳森伸出一只手,并说了声"再见"!
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‘It’s awfully good of you, old man, but I’d rather not.’ He held out his hand. ‘Good-bye.’
Lawson, troubled by a behaviour which seemed inexplicable , took his hand, and Philip quickly limped away. His heart was heavy; and, as was usual with him, he began to reproach himself for what he had done: he did not know what madness of pride had made him refuse the offered friendship. But he heard someone running behind him and presently Lawson’s voice calling him; he stopped and suddenly the feeling of hostility got the better of him; he presented to Lawson a cold, set face.
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"什么事呀?"
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‘What is it?’
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"我想,海沃德的事儿,你听说了吧?"
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‘I suppose you heard about Hayward, didn’t you?’
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"我只知道他上好望角去了。"
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‘I know he went to the Cape.’
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"要知道,他到了好望角没多久就死啦!"
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‘He died, you know, soon after landing.’
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菲利普沉吟了半晌,简直不敢相信自己的耳朵。
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For a moment Philip did not answer. He could hardly believe his ears.
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"怎么回事?"他问道。
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‘How?’ he asked.
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"哦,得伤寒症死的。真不幸,是不?我想兴许你还不晓得的。我刚听说这个消息时,心里也咯噔了一下。"
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‘Oh, enteric. Hard luck, wasn’t it? I thought you mightn’t know. Gave me a bit of a turn when I heard it.’
Lawson nodded quickly and walked away. Philip felt a shiver pass through his heart. He had never before lost a friend of his own age, for the death of Cronshaw, a man so much older than himself, had seemed to come in the normal course of things. The news gave him a peculiar shock.
It reminded him of his own mortality, for like everyone else Philip, knowing perfectly that all men must die, had no intimate feeling that the same must apply to himself; and Hayward’s death, though he had long ceased to have any warm feeling for him, affected him deeply. He remembered on a sudden all the good talks they had had, and it pained him to think that they would never talk with one another again; he remembered their first meeting and the pleasant months they had spent together in Heidelberg.
Philip’s heart sank as he thought of the lost years. He walked on mechanically, not noticing where he went, and realised suddenly, with a movement of irritation, that instead of turning down the Haymarket he had sauntered along Shaftesbury Avenue. It bored him to retrace his steps; and besides, with that news, he did not want to read, he wanted to sit alone and think. He made up his mind to go to the British Museum.
Their humour was a low facetiousness . Sometimes he found himself looking at them to see what animal they resembled (he tried not to, for it quickly became an obsession,) and he saw in them all the sheep or the horse or the fox or the goat. Human beings filled him with disgust.
But presently the influence of the place descended upon him. He felt quieter. He began to look absently at the tombstones with which the room was lined. They were the work of Athenian stone masons of the fourth and fifth centuries before Christ, and they were very simple, work of no great talent but with the exquisite spirit of Athens upon them; time had mellowed the marble to the colour of honey, so that unconsciously one thought of the bees of Hymettus, and softened their outlines.