The next morning Nekhludoff awoke, conscious that something had happened to him, and even before he had remembered what it was he knew it to be something important and good.
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“卡秋莎,审判。”对了,再不能撒谎了,必须把全部真相说出来。
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"Katusha--the trial!" Yes, he must stop lying and tell the whole truth.
By a strange coincidence on that very morning he received the long-expected letter from Mary Vasilievna, the wife of the Marechal de Noblesse, the very letter he particularly needed. She gave him full freedom, and wished him happiness in his intended marriage.
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“婚姻!”他嘲弄地说。“我现在离那种事太远了!”
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"Marriage!" he repeated with irony. "How far I am from all that at present."
And he remembered the plans he had formed the day before, to tell the husband everything, to make a clean breast of it, and express his readiness to give him any kind of satisfaction. But this morning this did not seem so easy as the day before. And, then, also, why make a man unhappy by telling him what he does not know? Yes, if he came and asked, he would tell him all, but to go purposely and tell--no! that was unnecessary.
And telling the whole truth to Missy seemed just as difficult this morning. Again, he could not begin to speak without offence. As in many worldly affairs, something had to remain unexpressed. Only one thing he decided on, i.e., not to visit there, and to tell the truth if asked.
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不过,对卡秋莎什么事都不该隐瞒。
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But in connection with Katusha, nothing was to remain unspoken.
When Agraphena Petrovna came in, he told her, with more firmness than he thought himself capable of, that he no longer needed this lodging nor her services. There had been a tacit understanding that he was keeping up so large and expensive an establishment because he was thinking of getting married. The giving up of the house had, therefore, a special meaning. Agraphena Petrovna looked at him in surprise.
"I thank you very much, Agraphena Petrovna, for all your care for me, but I no longer require so large a house nor so many servants. If you wish to help me, be so good as to settle about the things, put them away as it used to be done during mamma’s life, and when Natasha comes she will see to everything." Natasha was Nekhludoff’s sister.
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阿格拉芬娜摇摇头。
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Agraphena Petrovna shook her head.
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“怎么好处理呢?这些东西不是都要用的吗?”她说。
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"See about the things? Why, they’ll be required again," she said.
"No, they won’t, Agraphena Petrovna; I assure you they won’t be required," said Nekhludoff, in answer to what the shaking of her head had expressed. "Please tell Corney also that I shall pay him two months’ wages, but shall have no further need of him."
"It is a pity, Dmitri Ivanovitch, that you should think of doing this," she said. "Well, supposing you go abroad, still you’ll require a place of residence again."
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“您想错了,阿格拉芬娜。外国我不去;我要去也到别的地方去。”
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"You are mistaken in your thoughts, Agraphena Petrovna; I am not going abroad. If I go on a journey, it will be to quite a different place."
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他的脸刷地一下红了。
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He suddenly blushed very red.
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“对,应该告诉她,”聂赫留朵夫想,“不用隐瞒,应该把全部真相告诉一切人。”
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"Yes, I must tell her," he thought; "no hiding; everybody must be told."
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“昨天我遇到一件意想不到的大事。您记得玛丽雅姑妈家的那个卡秋莎吗?”
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"A very strange and important thing happened to me yesterday. Do you remember my Aunt Mary Ivanovna’s Katusha?"
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“当然记得,针线活还是我教她的呢。”
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"Oh, yes. Why, I taught her how to sew."
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“啊,就是那个卡秋莎昨天在法庭上受审判,正好碰到我做陪审员。”
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"Well, this Katusha was tried in the Court and I was on the jury."
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“哎呀,老天爷,多可怜哪!”阿格拉芬娜说。“她犯了什么罪该受审判啊?”
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"Oh, Lord! What a pity!" cried Agraphena Petrovna. "What was she being tried for?"
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“杀人罪。这一切都是我干的。”
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"Murder; and it is I have done it all."
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“怎么会是您干的呢?您说得太奇怪了。”
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"Well, now this is very strange; how could you do it all?"
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“是的,我是罪魁祸首。就因为这个缘故,我把我的全部计划都改变了。”
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"Yes, I am the cause of it all; and it is this that has altered all my plans."
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“那件事怎么会弄得您改变主意呢?”
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"What difference can it make to you?"
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“既然我害她走上了那条路,我就应该尽我的力量帮助她。”
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"This difference: that I, being the cause of her getting on to that path, must do all I can to help her."
"That is just according to your own good pleasure; you are not particularly in fault there. It happens to every one, and if one’s reasonable, it all gets smoothed over and forgotten," she said, seriously and severely. "Why should you place it to your account? There’s no need. I had already heard before that she had strayed from the right path. Well, whose fault is it?"
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“怪我。因此我想补救。”
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"Mine! that’s why I want to put it right."
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“啊,这事可不好补救。”
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"It is hard to put right."
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“这可是我的责任。您要是有什么为难的地方,那就想想妈妈生前怎么希望……”
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"That is my business. But if you are thinking about yourself, then I will tell you that, as mamma expressed the wish--"
"I am not thinking about myself. I have been so bountifully treated by the dear defunct, that I desire nothing. Lisenka" (her married niece) "has been inviting me, and I shall go to her when I am not wanted any longer. Only it is a pity you should take this so to heart; it happens to everybody."
"Well, I do not think so. And I still beg that you will help me let this lodging and put away the things. And please do not be angry with me. I am very, very grateful to you for all you have done."
And, strangely, from the moment Nekhludoff realised that it was he who was so bad and disgusting to himself, others were no longer disgusting to him; on the contrary, he felt a kindly respect for Agraphena Petrovna, and for Corney.
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他很想把自己的悔恨心情告诉柯尔尼,但看到柯尔尼那副毕恭毕敬的样子,他又不敢这样做了。
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He would have liked to go and confess to Corney also, but Corney’s manner was so insinuatingly deferential that he had not the resolution to do it.
On the way to the Law Courts, passing along the same streets with the same isvostchik as the day before, he was surprised what a different being he felt himself to be.
The marriage with Missy, which only yesterday seemed so probable, appeared quite impossible now. The day before he felt it was for him to choose, and had no doubts that she would be happy to marry him; to-day he felt himself unworthy not only of marrying, but even of being intimate with her. "If she only knew what I am, nothing would induce her to receive me. And only yesterday I was finding fault with her because she flirted with N---.
Anyhow, even if she consented to marry me, could I be, I won’t say happy, but at peace, knowing that the other was here in prison, and would to-day or to-morrow he taken to Siberia with a gang of other prisoners, while I accepted congratulations and made calls with my young wife; or while I count the votes at the meetings, for and against the motion brought forward by the rural inspection, etc., together with the Marechal de Noblesse, whom I abominably deceive, and afterwards make appointments with his wife (how abominable!) or while I continue to work at my picture, which will certainly never get finished? Besides, I have no business to waste time on such things.
I can do nothing of the kind now," he continued to himself, rejoicing at the change he felt within himself. "The first thing now is to see the advocate and find out his decision, and then . . . then go and see her and tell her everything."
And when he pictured to himself how he would see her, and tell her all, confess his sin to her, and tell her that he would do all in his power to atone for his sin, he was touched at his own goodness, and the tears came to his eyes.